VANCOUVER, BC—51-year-old MediWeed consultant Dr. Raksha Kumar surprised her patient yesterday when she suggested his lower back pain be treated with medical marijuana.

"I just couldn't believe the coincidence," said Holden Sandberg, a health store clerk and former roadie for String Cheese Incident. "That's exactly what I was hoping she'd give me."

During the appointment, Sandberg, 34, told Kumar that he'd experienced repeated bouts of "gnarly back pain" since he "twisted it real bad" playing Frisbee at Stanley Park.

"Lower back like Holden's is very common," explains Kumar. "And rather than get him hooked on Oxycontin, I'd much prefer he toke on some Hindu Kush, puff a little Tangerine Haze, or gobble a few hash oil sour gummy worms."

Kumar added that all three products were available for 20% off for MediWeed card-carrying members during Medicated Mondays.

"Instead of always going straight to Big Pharma, chronic pain sufferers like Holden might consider less damaging alternative treatments, like meditation, hatha yoga, or some of the really earthy and very chill indica buds we've got for sale here," she added.

According to Kumar, marijuana is also an incredibly versatile treatment.

"It's literally the only drug I prescribe here," she confirms.

"Not only is cannabis therapy a godsend to Parkinson's sufferers and cancer patients undergoing chemotherapy, it's also an excellent treatment for slightly less severe ailments, like fingernail hypersensitivity and bean-induced bloating," she explains.

Kumar notes that marijuana can also be a powerful tool in curtailing anxiety and depression.

"You cannot smoke three joints of Purple Urkle and still feel anxious," she says. "And there's no antidepressant on the market more effective than our brownies made with Blue Goo and Matanuska Thunder Fuck. I guarantee it."

"Plus," Kumar continues, "I heard the side effects aren't too bad either."