Segways and sports: A not-so-winning combination

I hope you've got the chin straps fastened on your tinfoil hats, everybody. I'm going to tell you about the latest (and possibly the scariest) threat to the world of sports — if not the entire human race.

Of course, I'm speaking about the Segway (TM).

If it wasn't enough that they've inspired a new generation of slothenly people to give up walking and embrace a sedentary lifestyle, the insidious invention tried to hobble one of our best and brightest on Thursday in Beijing.

They tried to take out the world's fastest man!

Mamma mia, is right — but he's OK, folks!

"It took me out pretty well," Usain Bolt said. "But I'm OK. No issues so I'm happy about it."

But this so-called "accident" that toppled Bolt is only the first act of aggression perpetrated on our sports stars by the two-wheeled behemoths.

That list includes a pair of golfers; Brandt Snedeker was out of action for two months after a Segway accident, while you can watch in horror as Jesper Parnevik's fun ride turns into a broken rib:

I shudder to think of what medical professionals have witnessed after Segway Polo mishaps:

Maybe you're saying "so, what? I'm not a sports superstar. They'll never target me!"

I don't know who you are, but I know that you're wrong.

A final thought: if a Segway accident claimed the life of the owner of the Segway company …how safe can we really be?

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some anti-Segway obstacles to place outside of my underground bunker.