Why a divorced dad had trouble telling his buddies he felt lonely
Patrick Maliha believes middle-aged men would rather sit at home in solitude than talk about their feelings
Patrick Maliha finds it difficult to talk about his loneliness.
"Mainly because I think it's the same type of deal for pretty much any man my age," said the 47-year-old Vancouver comedian. To his mind, to say that he's lonely would be to admit weakness. "And that's the one thing that a man never wants to show."
As was the case with many guys he knows, Maliha said he noticed his male friendships become less of a priority after he got married and had kids. He and his buddies drifted apart.
And then, his wife asked for a divorce on their 15th anniversary.
"That was her gift to me," he joked. "I got her a card. So she spent way more time planning her surprise."
They decided that she would move out of the house with their two young children while he was away for work.
"I come back home, and there's this empty house," said Maliha, who'd never lived on his own before. "You just feel so completely, utterly alone."
As lonely as he felt, Maliha said he was reluctant to pick up the phone and call his male friends for support.
"As a guy, you don't do that," he said. He remembers a friend calling him out of the blue once. When he asked why the friend was calling, the friend said he just wanted to chat.
"And in my brain I was like, that's the weirdest thing I have ever heard in my life," he said. "Are we dating? What is going on right now?"
His wife noticed Maliha was struggling. She'd offer to let the family dog stay over at his place. And she once suggested he get a roommate.
"You just don't realize how important it is to just be around people in general," he said.
Maliha's loneliness turned into depression. He went to therapy – which was another thing he had trouble admitting to other guys, who might ridicule him for it.
But over time, he learned to open up, to the therapist and to everyone else. It wasn't easy, but it helped.
"It's like going to the gym," he said. "While you're in it, you hate it and it's heavy. Everything's heavy. But after about six or seven months, people look and you and go, are you working out?"
Maliha suspects that this reluctance to show vulnerability is eroding from one generation to the next. He couldn't imagine his own father ever going to therapy. But he's hopeful that his young son will feel free to express his emotions when he's older.
In the meantime, Mailha's trying to set a good example by getting the help that he needs. And he's gotten better.
"For the first time in I can't even remember how long, I can honestly say, I do not feel lonely or depressed every day."
This story appears in the Out in the Open episode "The Lonely Road"