'How come my skin is different?': Answering kids' questions about anti-Black racism

Parents across Canada and around the world are trying to figure out how to talk about this moment with their children. But how do you explain anti-Black violence and systemic racism to a young child?

Whether you're prepared for these conversations or not, your kids are likely to ask you difficult questions.

Now or Never recently spoke with three people who are raising children, and found out how they are responding to the questions their kids have about race and racism.

'Why did they do that?'  

Samantha Kemp-Jackson on speaking with her 11-year-old twins: 

We sat down with our twins and talked to them, and explained what happened to George Floyd.

They haven't seen the video. I'm not foolish enough to think that they might not see it at some time. So we explained what transpired, about the police officer having his knee on George Floyd's neck until [he] passed out and eventually died.

I think it was upsetting for my boys. They looked somewhat stunned and a little bit confused.

Erik then asked: "Why did they do that?"

How do you answer a question like that? How do you talk about hundreds of years of systemic racism and institutionalized racism? It's a difficult thing to for an 11-year-old boy. 

It's a conversation that started, it hasn't finished, and it will continue.

As my boys get older, I have this increasing sense of dread because I know that they will go beyond the cute, young, little boys that they were and are — to men who will be perceived as men of colour in society. I know what that means. It's very upsetting as a parent.

How do you talk about hundreds of years of systemic racism and institutionalized racism?- Samantha Kemp-Jackson

This is an ongoing conversation that we as Black parents are obliged to convey to our children, and keep having as the days and years of their lives go on. We can't stop. We can't get out of our skin and say, "I don't want to talk about this today."

[Black parents] have to talk about it. Privilege can be epitomized by the fact that if you're white, you can decide on any particular day: "I don't want to talk about race today."

'I have white privilege?'

Maureen Van Overliw on speaking with her four-year-old son:

My four-year-old asked me: "I have white privilege? What's white privilege?" 

About two weeks ago we started to have direct conversations about what it means to be white, what it means to have white privilege, and how unfair our systems really can be.

With Black Lives Matter, we really want them to understand what that acronym really stands for.

We want them to understand that yes, all lives matter, but however, at this particular time, that's not the reality of the world we live in. Some lives are appearing to matter more, based on what their experiences are using our system. And [our family] doesn't really have that experience. That's really foreign to my kids.

With Black Lives Matter, we really want them to understand what that acronym really stands for.- Maureen Van Overliw

We reiterate: "Your experience is not the same as other people's experiences. Specifically, your experience of being white is not the same experience of people who are not white. The system is not as fair for them as it's designed to be fair for you."

That's a lot for a four-year-old. I still don't think he really fully grasps it. But the way we've been trying to really communicate that [idea] is the building of empathy.

We try to recognize that your version of something is not the truth. It's simply your experience of it. 

For me, step one is shifting the perspective from "right and wrong," from "this way or that way," to really understanding that we only know our own experience. That's a really good place to start from. 

'How come my skin is different? Why do I have to be different?'

Melody Wood on speaking with her Afro-Indigenous six-year-old:

When it comes to [my six-year-old], people are already starting to point out her differences. The pigment of her skin, her hair. I know that she has struggled with that. 

"How come my skin is different? Why do I have to be different?" That sort of thing.

I have to dig for information and find it to help my child be comfortable in the skin and hair that she's in.

What I've done with her is spend a lot of time talking to Black people within my life. [CBC journalist] Omayra Issa was one of the people I reached out to. I just said, "I have this little child here who isn't sure about her appearance and her hair. Where do I start?" 

She gave me a couple of links and book ideas. That's where I fell into my own little research hole, reading article after article after article about what I can do to help her self-esteem — even at age six.

So what I've done is put together videos to watch with her. I've collected books that are geared toward a six-year-old. 

I don't hammer her with them, but what I do is pepper them into our day. What I might say is: "Hey, let's read a nighttime book!"

I'm not sitting her down and saying: "You need to be proud of your hair." What I'm doing is pulling out books and making it a normal part of our day.

These interviews have been edited for length and clarity. To hear the full piece, click the 'Listen' button above.