'I want to be able to protect my kids': The pain, fear and hope of parenting Black children

For Latoya Reid, attending a Black Lives Matter solidarity rally in Regina was emotional, powerful and heartwarming. It also started a difficult conversation at home, one that she knew she would have to have one day as a Black mother of Black children. 

She and her husband Alric took their kids, Alxavier, 10, and Alxari, seven, to the event in front of the Saskatchewan Legislature on June 2.

Reid said her children asked her after the rally what racism was. She said it was a painful moment. She decided to use her children's own experiences growing up in Regina to get them to understand.  

"I'm saddened that I have to have these discussions with my kids," she said. "It can have the impact of traumatizing them." 

After George Floyd was murdered on video, and the entire world started to look closer at the systematic racism and oppression faced by Black people, Reid cried for days and hugged Alxavier extra tight.

Bullied for their hair

Reid said this past school year was "terrifying." She said Alxavier's classmates bullied him, pushed him to the ground, told him his braided hair looked like a mop and that his butt was too big. Reid said that whenever Alxavier has stood up for himself in any way, he's been labelled as the aggressor.

She said some teachers have also called, saying her son is too loud in class, a characteristic she said is often seen as a negative in Black people. 

When her daughter's dance class was repeatedly told to wear their hair in ponytails, Reid had to explain to the instructors that her daughter's hair couldn't do that because of its texture. She said they had to offer alternative styles so that she wouldn't have to chemically process a four-year-old's hair. 

People suffer in silence every day.​​- Latoya Reid, Regina mother

Reid is originally from Jamaica and now works for the Saskatchewan Health Region. She said she's seen racism on an almost daily basis since moving to the city in 2015.

Because she's an adult, she feels empowered to stand up for herself and teach people the error in their ways. It's much worse having to tell her children that the colour of their skin makes them a target. 

"I have beautiful children, wonderful children," she said. "To think that one would not get to the core in seeing who they are as individuals, it's heartbreaking." 

'You can have that discussion about racism'

Reid said her daughter is fiery and full of confidence, but she worries about her son, who is introverted and trusting. She considers it a victory, however, that he has been able to ask for help when it's gotten bad. 

"People suffer in silence every day," she said. "What if my son didn't have a parent like me?"

Reid said all parents should be talking to their kids about privilege. She feels like most white families don't have conversations about race because they aren't the victims of racism. 

"When you can have that discussion about racism and you don't feel uncomfortable, you feel like you're exonerated from it. That's a good darn thing," she said. "So get to that point where you talk about it and you'll accommodate those discussions in your circles so much that you don't have to feel uncomfortable anymore."

Reid also encourages allies to stop being too cautious, like a man who said he was giving them extra space at McDonald's because of everything that is going on, or the friend who said she wanted to post something on Facebook but was afraid to be offensive. She said always treating people of colour as different can be more hurtful. 

"We're human beings first," said Reid.

Although she wants her kids to feel like they fit in, she knows they will face stereotypes. She tells her son not to wear hoodies in public and to keep his hands in his pockets when he goes into a store. 

Black boys warned not to wear hoods, braids

Regina's Nyoka Grant said her children ask her a lot of questions about racism, but she doesn't know if she's providing the right answers. 

Her 10-year-old son is aware of what's going on and knows what discrimination and racism look like.

Even her daughter, who is seven, notices that their next-door neighbours won't say hi to them and always go inside when they go into the backyard. 

"It's hard to have the conversation," she said. "I'm not gonna lie and pretend that it's something easy to talk about."

Grant said her son's hair is braided and he doesn't want to cut it because it makes him feel a spiritual connection to his identity. 

When he puts his hood up, like most kids do, she said he is instantly judged. She tells him to take it down, just like Reid tells her son. 

"He's like, 'Why mom? Why do I have to take it off?'" said Grant, emotion evident in her voice. "I can't tell him, 'Because when you wear your hoodie you remind me of Trayvon Martin.' I can't say that to my kids.

"That's the truth. [Martin] was wearing a hoodie, he went to the store, he got Skittles and a drink. And he's dead. And that's not the kind of world I want for my child. Especially as a black male growing up in society."

I can't tell him, 'Because when you wear your hoodie you remind me of Trayvon Martin.'- Nyoka Grant, Regina mother

Martin, who was 17 at the time, was shot dead by George Zimmerman, a neighbourhood watch captain in Florida, in 2012. Zimmerman was found not guilty on all charges.

Grant said she tells her son to find a grownup if there is ever a problem, including at school. But she said he is painted as the aggressor if he retaliates after being picked on. 

"I don't want to feel like he doesn't have a voice. He has a voice. I don't want him to feel inferior or marginalized," said Grant. "He's smart and he's conscious. I have to protect him. 

"If the system is not going to protect him, I have to protect him."

'He was calling for his mom'

Dawn Green said she wants a better world for her children. That's what drives her to speak up. 

Two years ago, when her son was five, he came home saying he was "brown skinned," having heard that at school. 

Her 13-year-old daughter often has to endure rude comments, but Green said the teen sees those students as mean, not racist.

"She doesn't see the system or the fact that adults do it too," Green said. 

When Green's daughter was seven, a boy on the playground refused to play with her because she is Black. Green said her daughter doesn't remember that, but still won't speak up about things to this day for fear of being ostracized. 

I want it to be safe to exist.- Dawn Green, Regina mother

Green said she had a conversation with her daughter in recent days in hopes of building her up. She wants her to have the confidence to be strong while being kind, to speak up when something is bothering her and to ask her mom how to respond to difficult situations. 

"It's very difficult," she said. "And I know that the choice to live here was not theirs."

Green said the most upsetting part of the George Floyd video for her was hearing the grown man call out for his mother in his final moments, even though she has been dead for two years. 

"As a mother it tugs at me because I want to be able to protect my kids," said Green. "He was calling for his mom who just couldn't help him."

Green isn't asking for much. 

"I want it to be safe to exist," she said. 

"I want it to be safe for my kids to live here. I want it to be safe for my kids to do well in school and participate in class. I want it to be safe for them to make mistakes and be given the opportunities to correct them and the mistakes made are not labelled because of the colour of their skin. I want ... the opportunities that are afforded to all, to be the same opportunities that can be afforded to my kids and they're not segregated because of the colour of their skin or because of what happens when water hits their hair."

This story is part of a CBC project entitled Being Black in Canada, which highlights the stories and experiences of Black Canadians, from anti-Black racism to success stories Black communities can be proud of. You can read more stories here.