Call me Spinderella: Tackling Tinder as a wheelchair user

Being single blows.

I mean, sure, Chinese food is cheaper for one; you sleep better without someone snoring beside you; and if you don't feel like taking a shower, no one else has to know.

But few people actually want to stay single forever — especially when you are a middle-aged woman with three married siblings. (I say middle-aged because late-twenties is close enough in the dating world, honey).

I have not been single the entire time since I started using a wheelchair, but my last boyfriend dumped me when he realized I literally could not keep my legs closed.

So what in this incessant struggle is my solution, you ask? Move to Hollywood Boulevard waiting for Richard Gere to pick me up in a silver Lotus? Tempting, but I prefer something simple and convenient, something literally at the tips of my fingers: Tinder.

I figured I would try Tinder because, well, it works so well for my mom.

If you think you've got Tinder stories, just wait 'til this Spinderella fills you in on a few!

As someone who uses a wheelchair, I've got two choices: I can reveal my wheelchair in my profile pictures or I can conceal it and surprise dates later. I've never been much for hiding and although I like surprises, not everybody does, so I've gone with Option 1.

Believe it or not, there are guys who still don't notice. There are four pictures on my profile and they all show my wheelchair. Nonetheless, I still get a surprised reaction, then ghosted! ("Ghosted" is a dating term that means a person stops talking to you without warning and disappears like a ghost. And, yes, I've done it myself.)

Isn't the reason we go on Tinder so we can superficially swipe away who we perceive as less attractive before getting to the ghosting point?

However, I do understand why there are people who use wheelchairs who do not display them in their profile. It leaves room for guys like Josh to say things like "Hey, hot wheels, you look like you let people push you around." To which I respond: "Yeah, actually, are you applying for the job position or did I accidentally post on Kijiji?"

Another guy asked me why I'm in a wheelchair. I told him I broke my neck and he said "Your neck!? Whoa! I thought it was just your legs."

By the way, you don't get to roll around in a $20,000 government-funded beast because of broken legs.

I'm not completely innocent in the dating world myself. I matched with this one guy just because he's jacked and, let's be honest, I could really use that kind of muscle in my life. Then I noticed he was making the same face in all of his pictures: a big, wrinkled frown. I realized either he's always pissed off or constipated. Go a little heavy on the testosterone, buddy?

And don't even get me started on the ones who want me because of my disability: the devotees. These are people who essentially have fetishes for those in wheelchairs. Although that may surprise you — like many things on Tinder — yes, they do exist.

This piece is intended as comedy.