She learned to embrace her neurodiversity, but not soon enough

This story was originally published on April 21, 2022.

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When Jenalene Antony listens to music, she sees colour. 

She has synesthesia, which means one sense overlaps with another. In her case, certain musical notes are associated with specific colours in her mind.

Studies have shown about four per cent of the general population has some form of synesthesia, with auditory and visual being the most common forms.

Antony says growing up in rural Saskatchewan, she was asked to think and act differently, and be more "normal."

She says it was like being asked to swim underwater like a fish, without being able to breathe.

Antony's grandparents spoke Ukrainian around the family. She says when she heard the language she thought it was beautiful, but she realized her language was in colour.

In high school, Antony was told she was a problem — hard to manage and too creative. She was disciplined for being different, instead of being seen as unique and talented.

She says she was bullied and singled out, like many students who didn't fit in.

That experience taught her to hide her true self, cover up her creativity, tune out her ability to hear in colour and make herself quiet.

The difficulties continued as a young professional. Antony struggled to navigate the world as a creative person.

She says she was asked to think and communicate in a standardized way at the office. She says a boss once yelled at her for more than an hour, leaving her exhausted and depressed.

In that moment, everything around her turned grey. After years of repression, she had lost her sense of self.

She says she began to grieve, and realized that some of her relationships were built on a heavily censored version of who she really was. 

That's when she says she decided the was tired of trying to fit into a mould.

Something had to change

To lift her spirits, Antony bought a cello from a local shop. She started to play the instrument, and with each draw of the bow, a different colour emerged.

Eventually, a flood of colours released, resonating against her body as she played the deep low notes.

The experience allowed her to finally feel like her herself, without censorship. She vowed to never hide her true colours again.

As an adult, Antony became aware of the neurodiversity movement.

It celebrates people who think differently and helps remove the stigma surrounding neurological differences. It led Antony to realize there is not one kind of "normal" or "healthy" brain, or way of thinking.

She says she's finally learning to embrace her senses, and explore the incredible landscape of colour that she sees and hears. She says it's like breathing again after holding her breath for a long time.

She's sharing her story to help other people also embrace their differences.

"Our talents and gifts are our strengths, and not something we have to hide away," Antony said. "Be who you are."

"It's your superpower."