Fear of 'high conflict' label in court keeps her trapped with abusive ex

Seven years after she left her abusive husband, a Saskatchewan woman says she still feels trapped by the relationship and the family court system she is navigating while trying to divorce him. 

"I wanted to give my kids better, and I haven't been able to," she said in describing the challenges survivors face when trying to leave an abusive partner.

CBC has agreed to not name the woman, as she fears retaliation from her ex and is concerned speaking publicly will affect her upcoming divorce proceedings. 

The woman says the abuse started not long after they married, but in a different form than physical violence. She describes a pattern of abuse called "coercive control."

Coercive control leaves people feeling trapped in relationships. It can include humiliation, intimidation, controlling food, money or other essentials, or isolating the victim from others. 

Leaving was supposed to make it better for me and my kids. It hasn't. I am just as trapped having left as I was there.

The woman says she was pregnant early on in their marriage, and her husband started controlling their finances completely. She says she had no access to money for herself whatsoever, and had to ask his permission for anything she needed. 

Along with the financial abuse, she says she also experienced emotional, verbal, psychological and sexual abuse from her husband. 

She says the abuse followed a familiar pattern, starting with a 'honeymoon phase,' when her husband would woo her with attention and gifts.

Then, she says, tension would start to build. If she did something wrong, her husband would give her the silent treatment for days or weeks, or make degrading comments toward her. 

Then, there would be a blow up that she feared would turn into physical violence because she had been told that had happened in his previous relationships. The cycle would then start again with them reconciling in the "honeymoon phase."

"You lose your sense of self. You lose your sense of worth, you lose your sense of … you actually start believing you are too emotional," she said, adding the abuse has not stopped since leaving her husband.

She says her husband hasn't given the financial disclosure necessary to get divorced, the verbal abuse has continued after separation, and her husband has withheld her children from her at times. 

However, she says, she has been advised not to mention domestic violence in any legal proceedings. 

"It's been used against protective parents … It'll be used against me and they'll call me a parent alienator," she said. 

'High conflict' relationships

The concept of "parental alienation" was described in the 1980s as a syndrome. "Parental alienation syndrome" is a debunked theory that one parent will lie about domestic abuse to manipulate children against the other parent and as a means to deny the other parent access to the children. 

The woman says if she were to disclose the abuse, she also fears being labelled 'high conflict'. 

Anna Singer, a family law lawyer practicing in Saskatoon, said the term high conflict is used to describe parents who experience high rates of litigation. In these cases, courts see voluminous material filed against each other, animosity, allegations, cross-allegations, and difficulty communicating. 

She says if a judge finds that a particular file is high-conflict, they have the ability to order those parties into a high-conflict mediation. They would have to complete a certain number of mediation sessions before they would have the right to come back to court. 

Singer says that in cases of intimate partner violence, both parties get painted with the same brush when labelled as high conflict. 

"It's as if they're both behaving badly, they're both abusing the court system or being needlessly adversarial, increasing costs," Singer said.  "In the case of interpersonal violence, it might be that one person is misusing the court system and using it as a way to continue their control and abuse of the victim." 

Singer says certain types of abuse can be difficult to prove and it becomes more complicated for a judge to figure out who is telling the truth. 

Keira's Law

That's why the survivor — and advocates in the province — are advocating for "Keira's Law." 

Bill C-233, or "Keira's Law," comes after the federal government amended the Divorce Act last year to broaden the definition of family violence.

Under the Divorce Act changes, judges need to take into account any history of domestic violence when making determinations about parenting and access to children.

But Jo-Anne Dusel, executive director of the Provincial Association of Transition Houses and Services — or PATHS — says that in order for that change in legislation to truly be effective, there needs to be training for judges. 

"Judges often don't recognize all of the dynamics of intimate partner violence because a lot of them are not illegal. These are the coercive controlling behaviours, economic abuse, social isolation," Dusel said.

"A lot of times the threats are more subtle, and there is this whole pattern of behaviour that's a key risk factor for intimate partner homicide that's currently not recognized in Canada as being illegal or harmful." 

Dusel says Keira's Law would expand education given to judges to recognize the patterns of domestic violence and its impact on children. 

She also says that Canada could follow the lead of other jurisdictions, including the U.K., Ireland, France and a few American states, that criminalize coercive control. 

In Canada, New Democrat MP Randall Garrison has introduced a private member's bill to amend the Criminal Code to include coercive control, which is currently under review. 

Dusel says studies show that children who are exposed to coercive controlling behaviours in the home were as badly affected as the primary victim, the parent. 

"We need to see domestic violence as a parenting choice. The fact that separation has occurred does not make this individual who's been causing harm to the family and making these choices to cause harm is going to be a safe person to send children to," Dusel said.

The survivor says she hopes Keira's Law would be a first step in safety for other survivors and children by helping judges to recognize the patterns and stop it from happening.

"He thinks he's only hurting me, but my children have paid the ultimate price with this," the woman said of her ex-partner. 

"They don't know which parent to trust. They don't know who's safe. My children have anxiety issues. We've been diagnosed with complex post-traumatic stress disorders … he's blocked surgeries, he's blocked treatments," she said.

"Leaving was supposed to make it better for me and my kids. It hasn't. I am just as trapped having left as I was there."

If you have a similar story you'd like to share, email joelle.seal@cbc.ca.