5 tips for parents to help teens manage their emotions

When the video showed the fuming teenage girl storm into her house after school and slam her bag down, more than a few parents watching could relate.

The girl wanted to go to a party, and her mom said no. Sparks were about to fly.

Been there? Dreaded that?

You're not alone, as the dozen or so parents attending the Triple P Parenting session at East Wiltshire Junior High on Wednesday night found out.

We're all in the same boat.— Sasha O'Hanley

"We're all in the same boat, just in a different way maybe," says the group's facilitator, Sasha O'Hanley .

Triple P is a positive parenting program offered through the school system. The topic of Wednesday's session was coping with teenagers' emotions.

O'Hanley, a comprehensive school health nurse, outlined five key points from the session on how parents can help teenagers manage their emotions.

1. Set a good example

Teenagers learn a lot from watching their parents, O'Hanley says.

"The way we react when something happens to upset us is really important. So it's important for us to monitor our own behaviour, especially when the teenager is around."

That means being able to calm down when something upsets you as a parent, and not overreacting to small things.

"Kind of like don't sweat the small stuff and don't take your frustrations out on someone else."

2. Talk to your teenager about emotions and feelings

Teenagers are more likely to learn self-control if they feel comfortable about showing appropriate emotions when things happen to upset them, O'Hanley says.

"Some ideas to help with that might be asking your teenager about how they get along with other people such as peers, teachers and asking about problems that they have experienced, how they feel about them, and then maybe sharing some of your own experiences."

She said parents should be careful, though, not to make it too much about themselves.

Parents could also ask about problems their teenager's friends have experienced and how they felt, and "doing this really casually so your teenager doesn't think you're spying on them."

"Just try to create healthy conversation."

3. Find the right time to talk

It's usually best to have the conversation when your teenager is relaxed — such as during a commercial break in a TV show or at the dinner table or, even better, when you're driving them somewhere.

"We were kind of joking … if you're in the car they can't escape," O'Hanley said.

When not to have the conversation? If either of you is in a rush, if they're watching their favourite TV program or if they're about to go out somewhere.

It's also not a good idea to have the conversation if either of you is angry, or if there are other people within earshot.

4. Encourage behaviour you like

Look for opportunities to let your teenager know when you appreciate that they're dealing appropriately with their emotions, O'Hanley says.

"Say little brother makes a comment and teases them and then the older brother doesn't get upset, if you notice that you may want to say 'Good job for not lashing out at your brother when he made that comment to you.'"

You could even give a fist bump or hug for emphasis.

5. Ask for the behaviour that you want

When you want your teenager to stay calm, or learn to calm down if they're upset, approach it as if they were an adult, O'Hanley says.

"You want to get close to them, use their name to get their attention, using a calm voice asking them to calm down and if they co-operate, express your appreciation adult to adult, not treating them like a kid."

According to the Triple P website, the program doesn't tell parents how to raise their children, but gives them the confidence and skills to build good relationships with their child, set boundaries and rules and follow up with consequences that aren't harmful.

O'Hanley says the Triple P sessions are a good opportunity for parents to open the discussion and bounce ideas off each other.

"Sometimes you'll say 'Wow that is a really good question. Has anybody here experienced anything similar to that and what has helped you?'

"A lot of times you'll find other parents helping the other parents which is really, really nice."

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