Funeral restrictions have people feeling they 'have to grieve twice'

There is never an easy time to have a loved one die, but the COVID-19 pandemic is making those difficult times that much harder.

The pandemic has restricted public gatherings across Canada, and funerals are not exempt. On P.E.I., public gatherings are limited to 15 people inside and 20 outside.

"People are saying they feel like they're going to have to grieve twice," said Nancymarie Arsenault, executive director of Hospice P.E.I.

"Not that there is a timeline to any kind of grieving, but that immediate loss, and not being able to participate in what is hugely important."

Funerals, wakes, and celebrations of life are a big part of community on the Island. Queues to get into a wake at a funeral home can extend around the block.

Arsenault said people are telling her that gathering has to happen at some point.

"Because there's no timeline on when that can happen it's very stressful," she said.

It also means people are grieving now, and may have to all over again when restrictions are lifted.

'Profoundly, excruciatingly difficult'

Dr. Harvey Chochinov, a Winnipeg psychiatrist and co-founder of the Canadian Virtual Hospice, said the added burden of restrictions during the pandemic can start before the funeral planning.

In many cases, visits to a loved one who is dying have also been restricted.

"This is profoundly, excruciatingly difficult. Family members have a need, a wish, to be there, to be supportive," said Chochinov.

"Family members are much more likely to be left with feelings of guilt or remorse. Many questions, was their loved one comfortable toward the end of life, was all that could be done, done."

In terms of funeral services, Chochinov said he has seen people getting creative with technology, and he said anything that allows people to be part of those events can be helpful.

One of his own patients recently died. There was just a small group at her graveside, but he was one of 500 who were part of a video conference.

"It's not the same as being there but it did give me the sense that in some way I was able to participate and to honour her memory," said Chochinov.

Canadian Virtual Hospice has many online resources on palliative care, dying, and grief, said Chochinov, but he said there is much more to be learned. In particular, he said, death and grieving in this pandemic is unique, and it is impossible to say what impact it will have on people.

Chochinov is one of a group of 36 experts from across the country who have formed the Canadian Grief Alliance. It is asking for funding from Ottawa to study how death and grief has changed, and determine the best ways to help people.

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