ADHD doesn't have to define me. It's a difference, not a deficit

This First Person column is the experience of Allie Cantwell. For more information about CBC's First Person stories, please see this FAQ. 

It was one of those moments in life when all the dots started to connect. 

Unfortunately for me, it happened as I was sitting in the middle of a session with a client. 

I started to fidget more and more as my client, an adult female who had recently been diagnosed with ADHD, listed her symptoms. 

• Forgetfulness, often leading to misplacing things such as car keys, phones, wallets, etc: check.
• Restless to the point of being unable to relax: check.
• Often appearing "zoned out" when in reality distracted by her own thoughts: check.
• Anxiety: check.
• Becomes hyper-fixated on topics of interest: check.

The list continued to grow. I started to feel like my client was holding up a mirror to me, saying: "By the way, you have this too." 

I managed to ground myself and bring my focus back to my client for the remainder of the session, even though focusing had become more difficult than usual.

Learning about the 'doom pile' 

After I finished the session and closed the door, I sat in my office in disbelief. 

I thought, "There's no way I have that." 

I also remembered grad school 101: "Don't pathologize others or yourself." 

I tried to dismiss the thought as it continued to gnaw at me over the next few weeks, until one day I was sitting in my office in tears. Incomplete case notes, unanswered e-mails, and that pile of random unused worksheets were sitting underneath my chair.

I questioned whether I'm just really lazy or shouldn't be self-employed as I tried to sort through the pile of papers and put them somewhere less visible.

Wait — wasn't this what my client had said she struggled with too? 

I Googled "ADHD doom pile" and discovered it's a thing. 

The term "doom pile" or "doom box" stands for "Didn't Organize, Only Moved" and is usually a failed attempt by adults with ADHD to organize paperwork.

The biggest part of my confusion came from the fact that I had already been assessed twice in the public school system and diagnosed with dyslexia. In my mind, there was no way ADHD could have been missed both times. 

I continued to do some more reading about how many women with ADHD end up either misdiagnosed or missed altogether. At that point, I decided to send an e-mail to the Adult ADHD Clinic at UPEI. 

A new understanding 

Finally getting diagnosed felt like I had the missing piece to a complicated puzzle.

Since then, I have been able to develop a newfound understanding of myself that has helped in both my personal and my professional life. 

I have found so much relief in being able to give new meaning to many of my negative beliefs about myself. 

One of the most valuable things about this journey has been the impact that it's had on my self-esteem. 

ADHDers are already at risk of having low self-esteem. It's important to recognize that when a person consistently doesn't meet both academic and professional expectations, it can have a negative impact on how they view themselves. 

There are so many misconceptions about ADHD. I personally struggle with how the name of the diagnosis has the word 'deficit' in it.

Having a diagnosis can give someone context they have been missing and can hopefully replace the negative labels they've attached to themselves. 

It feels strange to say, but I'm thankful I was diagnosed with dyslexia in my youth because I already had a solid understanding of having a learning difference, and knew it didn't have to define me or my intelligence. 

Which brings me to my hope for anyone reading this who may be going through their own process. 

Having ADHD doesn't have to be something that defines who you are. 

Instead, it can help give you insight into how you learn and apply information. 

There are so many misconceptions about ADHD. I personally struggle with how the name of the diagnosis has the word "deficit" in it. I think in some ways that helps perpetuate some of the stigmas behind what it means to have a learning difference. 

In my view, it's simply that: a difference. 

And while being different can sometimes make things more difficult, we shouldn't forget that being different can come with strengths as well.

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