When to have 'the talk?' As soon as kids start asking, sex educator says

It's a topic that many parents dread: when is the right time to have "the talk" with your children?

Sexual health educator Sonya Barnett recommends that parents start talking about sex as soon as their children start asking about it, because that way they can have a matter-of-fact conversation about it before the subject becomes embarrassing.

It's a very different approach than her own parents took.

"They never had the talk with me. They never broached the subject," she told Robyn Bresnahan on CBC Radio's Ottawa Morning.

"I got nothing. I learned the hard way, unfortunately. I made a lot of mistakes along the way and had wrong information along the way. No guidance."

'It was very easy'

So when her own son, about four at the time, first asked her about condoms, she said she answered openly — a vow she made to herself to make sure her children didn't have the same experience as her. 

As a sexual educator, she had to pick up condoms for an event while in her son's company and he wanted to know how they worked.

"It was very easy. He wasn't at the age where he was jaded about any information or that he thought it was secret information and he shouldn't ask it. He was just genuinely curious," she said. "I have this thing that, if they're old enough to ask the question, they're old enough to get the answer."

Talking about sex with children is easier when it's an "ongoing conversation," rather than letting the pressure mount over when to have the conversation, she said.

"You know, 'When do I sit down with my child, at the right time and give them all the information?' It's really daunting that way for both the parent and the children, and sometimes they don't know how to broach it. Maybe that's what happened with my parents," she said.

Talking about sex with 21st century teens

Barnett will host a workshop in Ottawa on Friday morning called, "How to Talk About Sexuality With Your 21st Century Teen," which is part of the Moms for Mental Health series, hosted by the Youth Services Bureau.

The most common concerns she hears from parents during such workshops are about online pornography and sexting, she said.

"Something like porn is pretty much ubiquitous now. You find it everywhere, unless you're restricting your children from accessing any media at all — from Netflix to YouTube to messages on their phone — they're not going to be able to avoid erotic information," she said. 

"It's important for parents to understand that their kids have to be informed viewers, not blind ones. They're going to get that information so it's better for them to understand what they're seeing."

She said that while, yes, children do get sexual education lessons at school, it's "not geared to be that 100 per cent educator." Parents should be there to go beyond the basics and fill in the blanks when their children have questions.

But if children don't bring it up, forcing a discussion can just create a "rift," she said.

"What's important to instill is that you are there for them," she said.

Her workshop on Friday is at the Westin Hotel, beginning at 7:30 a.m.