How to cope with loss, grief during the COVID-19 pandemic
After losing her grandmother to cancer last year, Sue Morin is still in mourning
Now more than a year into the pandemic, CBC Ottawa is looking at how people are adapting to new realities with its series The Slow Return.
In April 2020, Sue Morin and her family got news that still breaks her heart today.
Her "Grams" — who was like a second mom to her — was diagnosed with a tumour on her brain.
Due to public health restrictions, Manitoba doctors wouldn't let out-of-province family visit her grandmother during her treatment. When she died in September, only immediate family members were able to attend the funeral and Morin, who lives in Ottawa, had to join a live-streamed ceremony.
Morin is one of many who have lost someone or something significant during the pandemic, and whose grieving process has been disrupted by strict restrictions.
"Not being able to be there with her, and not being able to go to the funeral ... the comfort that you feel when family gets together — we couldn't have that because of the pandemic," Morin said.
"That was the hardest."
A year later, Morin is still grieving her Grams.
"I'm still very upset about it," she said, with tears welling up. "It's not something that can be bottled up inside. You need to grieve."
These kinds of stories are all too common during the pandemic, says Julie Ann Levett, a program manager with the Ottawa branch of Bereaved Families of Ontario.
"COVID losses are traumatic losses," said Levett, who helps facilitate weekly support groups for those dealing with loss. "It's way more difficult for people. It's very painful."
Connections are key
The inability to hold proper funerals, for example, has taken a huge toll on people's mental health, and Levett is seeing more depression and anxiety among clients.
"The rituals of mourning are very valuable for helping to accept the reality of death. And so without ... those typical supports, people are much more lost in their grief."
COVID losses are traumatic losses.- Julie Ann Levett, Bereaved Families of Ontario Ottawa
Levett says connection to others is one antidote — and she recommends people "take the risk" and reach out to a friend, a friendly neighbour or even a family physician.
Using a journal, trying to rest and even finding a community — either faith-based or cultural — could also help during these times, she said.
If a grief community is something you're open to, Levett says Bereaved Families offers various one-on-one or group sessions. Grief walks are another option for people who aren't yet comfortable opening up with words.
WATCH | Grief support group facilitator describes what some are going through:
Losing jobs, relationships also tough: psychotherapist
Meanwhile, some people found themselves out of a job, while others separated from their partners during the pandemic.
Meredith Dault, who lives in Kingston, Ont., recalled the moment she was "blindsided" by her common-law partner of seven years, who suddenly left her six weeks into the pandemic.
"It's a really brutal time to have that happen ... Nobody would even hug you, nobody would touch you," she said. "It was devastating ... I struggle with being alone at the best of times, and it made that feeling of aloneness so incredibly heightened."
Ottawa psychotherapist Zahra Nafar has seen many struggle with job and relationship losses during COVID-19.
The trauma specialist says she works toward post-traumatic growth with some of her clients — a transformation that happens as a result of acknowledging and going through trauma, which results in resilience.
WATCH | Psychotherapist recommends working on post-traumatic growth:
"[It's] the ability to bounce back," she explained.
Nafar recommends taking it one day, one step at a time, and she suggests asking yourself questions like: Who am I besides my job? Who am I outside of my relationship? Could this be a time for self-compassion, healing and rebuilding for me?
"What part of me stays consistent? What part of it is my authentic self that I could take and apply anywhere?" she said.
"When it comes to grief and loss, you are important and what is happening to you is important," Nafar said to those who downplay their losses, which can be harmful. "Just because others are experiencing something that is more difficult than you, it doesn't make your pain and suffering less difficult."
Dault says her situation forced her to become introspective. She worked through it with a therapist, renovated her home, bought a bicycle and relied on her dog, Maple. Her neighbours also blessed her with home-cooked meals, a gesture she holds dear.
"I'm just trying to make peace with being alone," she said about moving forward into her new normal.
"What I want my next chapter to be — that's hard work, but I think it's important work. And the pandemic is forcing me to deal with it."
