As I approach 40, I wish I'd known the reality of egg freezing
Now I wonder how far will I go for my dream of being a mom?
This First Person article is the experience of Bárbara d'Oro, a content creator and aspiring mother in Ottawa. For more information about CBC's First Person stories, please see the FAQ.
When I was two years old, my grandpa gave me a big baby doll. Very soon, it became my favourite toy and I would drag it with me everywhere.
The feeling of caring for that doll never left me. Even at that early age, I knew I wanted to become a mother and I grew up thinking it would naturally happen.
I'm now 39 and my biggest fear is not being able to fulfil that dream.
Building a family
A decade ago I met a person I thought was the one and who could be the father of my kids.
He always knew how much I wanted children. But in the meantime, I was working to get a better job to build the family I wanted and moving to Canada from Brazil to pursue my master's in journalism.
As I approached age 35, I started to get worried about my biological clock and broached the subject. My partner told me he felt we weren't ready and that it would be better for us to freeze my eggs.
I wasn't happy about it but, at the same time, it seemed like a simple solution.
Then, just before my 35th birthday, that six-year relationship ended abruptly.
Realizing I could no longer wait patiently for the right partner to realize my dream of becoming a mom, I went to my first appointment at a fertility clinic six months later.
The reality of freezing your eggs
I went in thinking egg freezing would be straightforward. Looking back, I realize the women in my life didn't really talk about it and, even when the subject was in the news, the stories were mostly from the perspective of doctors.
Now, I can understand why. It is a very emotional process from start to finish and one that is hard to share.
WATCH | More women are exploring the option of freezing their eggs:
I never felt as lonely as that day in the fertility clinic waiting room awaiting a test that would tell me if I was a good candidate.
After that first visit, the doctor told me my follicle count was low. I didn't understand what that meant, but it felt like a verdict on my future motherhood.
I was devastated. I cried a lot. But I thought there was nothing I could do, so I just accepted it and hoped getting pregnant would still happen for me naturally one day.
Two years later, a woman at my work who'd been through IVF encouraged me to get a second opinion. That's when I learned that it was still possible for me, though it might involve more than one egg retrieval — a procedure that is not easy.
I had to take medication for two weeks and have regular ultrasounds for the doctor to monitor how many eggs were maturing. And it was only during the procedure that the doctor learned how many eggs were viable for freezing and in my case, that one of the retrieved eggs was unsuitable.
The procedure was also expensive and not covered by my health insurance in Ontario, which only covers egg freezing if there's a medical reason. Though I had private insurance, it also didn't cover it.
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I am fortunate that egg retrieval is cheaper in my home country of Brazil, where I chose to go as I would have the support of my family.
Initially, I wasn't sure how my Christian family would react when I told them I wanted to freeze my eggs. While my mom turned out to be very supportive, my dad just told me he didn't know what to say. In the end, they were both by my side, which was a relief.
But after all this, there is no guarantee of becoming pregnant. The doctor told me the success rate often depends on how many eggs were frozen and the person's age at the time of the procedure.
Whenever I use my eggs, they will be those of a 38-year-old woman. In my case, my doctor in Brazil tells me I have about a 30 per cent chance of becoming pregnant with the eggs I have frozen. My doctor recommended I go through the procedure again to increase my chances, but that's something I can't afford at the moment.
Decision time
I think that deep inside, I just keep hoping that I wouldn't need to go through that again.
But as my 40th birthday is approaching, I am now facing an even tougher decision.
Should I continue to wait to meet "the one" or decide to pursue my dream of motherhood alone by using a sperm donor?
It feels cold choosing my kid's dad based on a photo and a list of information on a database. What will I tell my kid when they ask? What will my parents think?
Adoption is an option, and I think it is one of the most beautiful things people can do. But I want to experience pregnancy with all its highs and lows. It seems though, my timeline for that is coming to an end.
Sharing this personal story and being vulnerable isn't easy, but I think it's important for other women to know what it's really like.
While I am glad egg freezing is an option, I regret not making this decision earlier. Although it feels like the odds aren't on my side, I'm not giving up on my dream of becoming a mother, and one day, I hope to be able to share this story with a child of my own.
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