She wanted to exit an abusive relationship. She ended up being arrested
Recent deaths of 6 women brings up 'grief and a lot of anger' for Nova Scotia woman
WARNING: This story contains details of intimate partner violence and may affect those who have experienced it or know someone who has.
A Nova Scotia woman who was in an abusive relationship says the deaths of six women in the province in the last three months have left her with feelings of grief, anger and hopelessness.
The woman came forward to CBC News to share her own story of intimate partner violence — and her experience with the justice system that she felt let her down.
For her safety and privacy, CBC agreed to use the pseudonym of June to identify her.
"I really just want to help and add my voice to the calls for action," June said in a recent interview. "I don't see things happening, I don't see the reaction that's necessary to deal with an epidemic-level problem."
And that, she said, "makes me feel a lot of grief and a lot of anger — and hopeless."
A growing feeling of fear
June said the relationship with her ex was "unbelievably great" in the beginning.
"He was showering me with attention, affection, praise," she recalled. "He was reflecting some of the things that I had said I wanted in a partner back at me. He was love-bombing me."
But within six months, June felt something was wrong.
There were heated fights, followed by weeks of reconciliation when she recognized again the caring person she'd fallen in love with.
"I didn't understand, often, what was happening," she said.
"I would sit there and be really confused, like, where and how did we get here, how did this escalate so quickly and why can't this stop?"
She and her ex entered a cycle of breaking up and getting back together, and he moved into her apartment.
June said she told her ex that some of the things he was doing made her feel afraid, but he didn't stop doing them.
She said he'd follow her around the room and stand over her, shouting. He'd threaten to kill himself if she left, which made her feel responsible for his safety.
She said one day she was sitting down while he shouted and gestured in an aggressive way.
"And he was like, 'Well, I would never hit you,' and then he kind of just mimicked hitting me," she said. "But he put his hand past my head and toward the wall instead."
June said she eventually asked her ex to move out. But she said he refused to go and trapped her in her apartment, physically standing in the way when she tried to leave.
She said on that night she went to pack up his things, and he grabbed her in a chokehold and threw her backwards onto the bed. The argument continued and she tried to get away.
"In that moment I threw my arms out and I pushed him, to get him away from me," she said. "He was blocking my way. But I did push him. And I stood up and I went to his room to start packing his stuff, because I was done."
June said her ex grabbed her and pushed her into the door frame, trying to keep her from touching his belongings.
She decided to leave the apartment herself. She said as she left the building he called the police on her, saying she'd pushed him.
Officers arrived and questioned her, but June said she didn't understand what was happening.
"Up until the moment that they started reading me my rights, I thought they were there to help me," she said.
"I didn't understand that they were going to arrest me … and in that moment I felt such betrayal, such shame."
June told the police her ex was abusive and she'd been defending herself after he grabbed and restrained her. He was also arrested.
She was charged with assault, and he was charged with assault and forcible confinement.
They both went through the court system and signed a peace bond. The charges against both of them were withdrawn by the Crown.
Disappointment with justice system
She said she agreed to sign a peace bond because she felt it was the best option to get out of the situation.
June said she's been left with a deep disappointment in the justice system.
"Once an arrest is made, especially in a domestic violence incident, it's not up to me what happens after that," she said. "As a victim, you're stripped of your voice."
Like many provinces, Nova Scotia has a pro-arrest, pro-charge policy, which means only Crown prosecutors can withdraw charges. Police cannot withdraw charges if asked to do so by the victim.
When this policy was put in place in the 1990s, it was meant to help get convictions to keep victims safer from abusers.
June is critical of the policy.
"It really just felt like it was continuing and perpetuating the exact same thing that the abusive relationship did in taking away my voice, taking away my power, taking away my ability to choose or have control over the situation," she said.
CBC asked the provincial Justice Department whether it is having discussions on replacing the mandatory arrest and charging policies with new guidelines, which was a recommendation of the Mass Casualty Commission in 2023.
A department spokesperson said the government is committed to advancing the recommendations.
"Violence is never acceptable," they wrote. "If a crime has been committed, we expect the law to be upheld."
June called on government officials to increase their response to intimate partner violence.
"We deserve better. We deserve more," she said.
"We deserve emergency measures, money, funding, capacity, resources, transparency and communication about what they plan to do."
The province has said it's taking steps, including increasing funding for transition housing for those escaping violent relationships.
June has left the relationship with her ex now and there's no more contact.
Message to other women
She wants other women in similar situations to realize that they are deserving of love and not responsible for being abused.
"I would really like them to know that, though right now they may not like themselves very much or love themselves very much," she said.
"I love them, though I will never see them."
For anyone affected by family or intimate partner violence, there is support available through crisis lines and local support services. If you're in immediate danger or fear for your safety or that of others around you, please call 911.
If you or someone you know is struggling, here's where to get help:
- A list of transition houses across Nova Scotia.
- Family violence resources helpline 1-855-225-0220.
- The Transition Housing Association of Nova Scotia website.
- Canada's Suicide Crisis Helpline: Call or text 988.
- Kids Help Phone: 1-800-668-6868. Text 686868. Live chat counselling on the website.
- Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention: Find a 24-hour crisis centre.
- This guide from the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health outlines how to talk about suicide with someone you're worried about.
MORE TOP STORIES
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
