Nova Scotia researchers studying why friendships fail

As far as breakups go, romantic ones often command the most attention, but a pair of Halifax researchers instead are focusing on the complicated reasons why friendships fail.

"There is a fairly robust literature on friendships, but so little of that deals with what happens when those relationships start to fall apart," said Dalhousie University social anthropologist Laura Eramian.

"We're asking questions about the effects of failed friendships on people's lives and sense of themselves, and also what it means to lose a friend."

Eramian, along with St. Francis Xavier University sociologist Peter Mallory, is interviewing people aged 22 to 65 in the Halifax area. The work is in the early stages, but Eramian said she can already see three main themes underlying failed friendships.

1. Imbalance

An imbalance in reciprocity between friends can lead to trouble, Eramian said.

"Friends are not supposed to have authority over each other. They are supposed to have equal exchanges and principles," she said.

"If one friend feels they are giving more in the way of material gifts or emotional support or energy than the other person, that can cause problems."

2. Expectations

Eramian says mismatched beliefs about how far friends will go for each other is another source of conflict.

"People can have quite different expectations of what they're owed to their friends and what they can ask of each other," she said.

3. Overlap

Problems can arise when friendship overlaps with other kinds of relationships, such as colleagues or roommates.

Friendships that overlap with romantic relationships also can be destined for disaster, but not for the obvious reason, she said.

"The classic case is a couple of friends, and one has romantic feelings and the other doesn't," Eramian said.

'People read into things'

More common is when the friends themselves don't have a problem — but others do.

People are so unsure of what to do when a friendship is failing.- Laura Eramian

For example, people can be skeptical of friendships between men and women that aren't romantic, she said.

"People read into things, and that itself can be difficult for the friends in question."

Eramian herself said she manages an overlapping relationship. She and fellow researcher Mallory are married, and have known each other since they were doctorate students. This is their first foray into research together.

"So far, it's going great," she said. "We have a smooth and easy working relationship."

Few rituals for ending friendships

For those who are in the middle of a failing friendship, it can be painful.

"People are so unsure of what to do when a friendship is failing," Eramian said.

"There are particular rituals around ending a romantic relationship or marriage, but very little for ending a friendship."

That applies to both the person who wants to end the friendship, and the person who is being cut out, she said.

"Friends struggle to have this conversation with each other," she said.

That other dimension that could lead to further research. Eramian and Mallory hope to finish their first research paper in the next six months.