Talk about relationship violence to prevent tragedies, says Ashley O'Brien

The sister of Juliane Hibbs says there needs to be more talks about relationship violence, and the signs of recognizing it, in order to prevent tragedies like what happened to her sister.

Ashley O'Brien said there was a long battle leading up to the events on the night of Oct. 15, 2013, when her sister and Vince Dillon were shot and killed by Hibbs' former boyfriend, Brian Dawe.

O'Brien said the situation between her sister and Dawe spanned almost 20 years, and started when Hibbs was just 16 years old.

"When I think back to when all of this was happening for Juliane, there were a lot of signs in terms of Brian's behaviour, and my parents went through every avenue — through the school, through the police, through others — and it's more than just identifying the risk factors and the signs and the behavioural signs," she said.

"It was a situation where he had to commit the crime before anything could be done, and when I say that, I don't mean the ultimate final act of what happened a year ago, but all those other incidents that happened leading up to that day. There was nothing that we could do, and that is a real problem."

Hindsight is always 20/20

She said Dawe seemed very smart to her family because he "was always one step ahead," and the only thing her parents could have done would be to break the law themselves — something they wouldn't have done.

You look back now and two years is no time, but at the time we thought we had the rest of our lives to put everything together.- Ashely O'Brien, Juliane Hibbs' sister

"Juliane had only come back into our family, our lives, for just barely two years before this event had happened, so we were really unaware that Brian … hindsight is always 20/20 when you look back. But we really just thought perhaps we were rid of him and we wanted to leave well enough alone. We weren't aware that he was still lurking in the background," O'Brien said.

"While Juliane was with Vinny, we know that he was good to her and she was back in our lives, she was undergoing counselling, we had a lot of support — we were just kind of taking it as we would at the time. I mean, you look back now and two years is no time, but at the time we thought we had the rest of our lives to put everything together, figure everything out and heal. I guess it was a false sense of safety," she said.

According to O'Brien, the family now shares a sense of guilt about what happened to Hibbs during, and after, her relationship with Dawe, adding that if they'd known the details they feel they may have been able to do more.

Hibbs family are strong, to be commended

Connie Pike, a former police officer now with the Coalition to End Violence, said guilt is a common emotion for families to feel in incident like what happened to Hibbs.

In the case of the Hibbs family, I commend them so much for sharing their story because, when they do that, they're educating people who may not know — like they didn't know.- Connie Pike, Coalition to End Violence

"Guilt over these types of situations can really paralyze people. I've seen it happen many, many times. In the case of the Hibbs family, I commend them so much for sharing their story because, when they do that, they're educating people who may not know — like they didn't know," she said.

"They're willing to share these details and this information so that other people don't have to suffer the way they are currently."

According to Pike, having families like the Hibbs' share their stories is, while difficult, important in order to enlighten people about what it's like to live with relationship violence in your life, and make it a societal issue.

Pike said when women are hit, they are hit on an average of 35 times before they report it to the police.

"Abuse is a process, it's not an event, and if people don't understand all the brainwashing and all the control mechanisms and all of the fear that is invoked before that 35th time, then you won't understand the dynamics of abuse. Most women are hit for the first time when they are in their second trimester of their first pregnancy. That means they are vulnerable, who will they go to?"

She added that while it isn't just women who are abused in relationship violence, they make up the majority of victims.

Pike said the Royal Newfoundland Constabulary responds to an average of six calls a day relating to domestic violence, but that's "just the tip of the iceberg," adding that only about 10 per cent of crimes against people get reported to police.

Watch the interview O'Brien did with Debbie Cooper in the video player above, and listen to Thursday's Crosstalk with host Ramona Dearing with O'Brien and Pike, as well as other guests.