NL·Humour

The Hanlon Method: How this approach could solve all of our political problems

There's a golden opportunity in every closed business and widening pothole. A new bit of humour from columnist Edward Riche.

It's always win-win; it's just the way you look at it

Edward Riche · for CBC N.L. · Posted: Mar 15, 2020 7:30 AM EDT | Last Updated: March 15, 2020

St. John's Coun. Debbie Hanlon told CBC earlier this month that people should focus on the positive in downtown St. John's. (Gary Locke/CBC)

Last week St. John's Coun. Debbie Hanlon took a novel — in the "novel coronavirus" sense of the word — approach to the problem of empty and/or derelict properties in the downtown of Newfoundland and Labrador's capital.

She proposed seeing the bright side in boarded-up storefronts and negligent absentee landlords, saying it would be nice to put a positive spin on what others might see as a crisis born of inaction by the council on which she serves.

It was Debbie's own seeing-an-empty-glass-as-half-full brand of optimism.

After all business closures make room for new ventures. Why not look at those examples rather than the empty commercial properties?

So. Many. Opportunities

Perhaps we should apply the Hanlon method to some of the other vexing problems we confront.

It doesn't take long to find a building with a 'For Lease' sign in a window in downtown St. John's. (Alex Kennedy/CBC)

Potholes. Windows into the green earth. They paved paradise and put up a parking lot, right? We shouldn't look at potholes as failures in the road surface but as reminders that beneath the asphalt lays nature in all its wormy glory.

Does not the profusion of potholes force drivers to slow down and pay closer attention to their driving? Potholes should be seen not as hazards but aides in focusing the attention of ever more distracted drivers.

Others might see a pothole as the beginning of a pit they mean to dig and throw themselves into in despair over the province's fiscal situation.

Point of View
Shut 'er down: We need to change our priorities about snow clearing

But who knows what else will ultimately fill these voids? It is pregnant with possibilities. Don't just see a jaysus-big divot in the street, see the future.

Traffic hazard? Looked at another way, potholes turn into important tools that help us slow down on the province's roads. (Submitted by Matt Butt)

Winter 2019/20. We lost a few days of school and work but that built family and neighbourhood ties. The harsh conditions made international news so along with all the cancelled flights and ferry crossings we became far less attractive to a world that was becoming riddled with COVID-19.

Self-isolation? Easy-peasy

Many of the few people trying to come here couldn't, thus sparing us community transmission. Sure the lack of direct flights to Europe might severely limit tourism, stymie trade and commerce but it sure keeps the bugs out. Self-isolation? We're the experts.

Crash in oil prices. What else was going to make our leadership confront the dangers in dependency on commodities... well, OK, on a single commodity?

Sure they liked to talk about the need to diversify the economy but were they ever going to do anything about it without this ferocious kick in the pills? Or course not.

Think of the price of oil as smelling salts under the nose of a boxer sent to the canvas by a thunderous Eddie Joyce left to the chin. "GET UP, NEWFOUNDLAND!" Here comes the count … "One! Two! Three!"

'Think of the price of oil as smelling salts under the nose of a boxer sent to the canvas by a thunderous Eddie Joyce left to the chin,' writes Edward Riche. (Jeff McIntosh/The Canadian Press)

Increased electrical bills. Look at us! We've grown soft and flabby. Our hardy ancestors would be ashamed of what we have become. Turn down the heat. Put on a sweater. Bathe in cold water. In the evening cuddle up. Get under the blankets together. Explore one another's bodies. All good.

Not fewer, just rare

Demographics. Confederation was by and for Upper and Lower Canada. That probably should have been obvious from the start but at least now, faced with cultural extinction, we're finally getting it. Sixty years of exporting human capital as well as natural resources hasn't just made us older and fewer in number, we are becoming downright rare.

Scarcity drives demand. When our numbers get low enough Canada will treasure us like its own panda bears. Newfoundland and Labradorians unable to continue to live here will be able to lease themselves out as attractions at mainland parks or zoos.