Q&A | The 'race talk' can be overwhelming for kids, but it doesn't need to be
There is no need to fear when it come to talking about race to your kids, says Laurabel Mba
The topic of race can often be an uncomfortable one for adults to discuss, so it's not difficult to imagine that it can be even more awkward for parents to discuss it with their children.
There are many questions to navigate, and the conversations can be very different from one family to another, with varying considerations in interracial households, racialized families and non-racialized families, as well as transracial families.
Some parents, concerned about protecting their children's innocence, might wonder how young is too young for them to discuss race.
Laurabel Mba, an activist and an anti-racism consultant — and a mother herself — has some tips on navigating an often tricky subject.
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
Q: At what age do you think children are aware that there are differences in skin colour?
A: Early. I can talk about like when I first, as a mom, realized when Theo realized there were differences. He's biracial. He was three. When he's like, 'Mommy, you're dark brown. I'm light brown,' and then his dad's white and he was like, 'What happened?' kind of thing. But I was reading recently — according to studies children begin to acknowledge race around the age of three. It's a consensus that that's when it clicks in that there's a difference.
And when you say begin to acknowledge, do you mean, like, for example, you said that your son vocalized, you know what was what He noticed other, other ways that he noticed that his skin was different?
Because he's biracial, it's been very important for me that he acknowledges all aspects of his identity. So when we're reading books, he would find things that looked similar to him within the book. So like characters with curly hair, he's like, "Oh, that's me." He's now five and so he's really into Captain Underpants right now. And he says he is George Beard because George Beard has a flat top on curly hair like he does.
And so that's, I think the minute they see themselves … when they begin to acknowledge that there's something that "looks like me," especially when they are surrounded by things that don't.
Talking about racial identity, I think the difference between race and racism is often lost. When talking to kids about that, how do they portray those differences without it being modelled but also being honest and, you know, still sensitive to the topic?
I think the first thing would be to talk about race before you get into racism. Letting kids understand the way we talk about differences in general. We talk about gender — male and female and non-binary. We're beginning to have those conversations with children as to what that looks like and what that feels like and how that shows up in society.
For educating children about the way other people look, their culture, their racial identity and their ethnicities, which are two completely different things.
I think first is to talk about we don't treat people differently because of these visual differences. And that's how you initiate it. And then as they get older, older, and they begin to understand that I've seen the world treat people differently about these things.
We have pop culture, we have social media, we have the news. There are many examples parents can then use to sit their kids down and begin to have those sometimes difficult, sometime uncomfortable conversations.
WATCH | In 2023, Laurabel Mba was among the guests at a dinner conversation focusing on topics including racism, power and white privilege:
How different is that conversation for kids of colour compared to, you know, kids that are in white families?
I think it's a very different conversation. I can very much remember when my family moved to Canada. It was the first time, like, racial identity became something that I needed to acknowledge.
I think for racialized youth and racialized parents, the conversations about race is more [about how] the world is not going to treat you with the same safety and love that you find in our homes or that we find in spaces of other racialized people.
When we go out into predominantly white spaces, our parents teach us how to protect ourselves, to assimilate as much as possible in order to make it through the day. And then when we get home, you take the armour off, you can talk about what you endured and you can find joy again within people who have a similar experience. And sometimes finding joy is a hard way to put it, but there's a commonality between racialized folks.
When we even talk about the things we've experienced when it comes to racism, there are points where we just laugh because it's either you laugh or you cry and sometimes we're just tired of crying.
And then with non-racialized folks the conversation's a little different because they are usually in the positions of power, and I think the conversations they should be having with their kids are what do you do when you see someone experiencing racism.
What role do you play as a then ally and advocate to protect them to make sure that they aren't held victim by a system that doesn't value their existence in those spaces? And I know when people talk about critical race theory, there's this belief like, it will make my kids feel bad [but] why is the assumption in those kind of conversations that your kid will align themselves with those who were in positions of causing harm and not those who were in positions of advocating and fighting for equity?
I think it's having those conversations where you say, 'This is the system as it is.' But the same way I tell you you can be an astronaut, a doctor or lawyer, or any of those things else you want to be, you can be an ally, and you can create space and equity and use your privilege to make sure people who look differently than you can stand beside you on the same plane.
Children that are adopted, that are specifically racialized, that are in non-racialized families, how can they navigate that conversation?
I think that's the hardest conversation to have, and I think for non-racialized parents who have made the decision to adopt trans-racial children, so kids whose racial identity does not match [what's] in the home. I think the extra onus is on them to one, prepare their community for this child that they're bringing in to ensure that their community is surrounded with allies and advocates who are going to uplift this child. Because the kid will not always be able to find safety in the home if the people aren't actively anti-racist and advocates for marginalized communities.
I think the preparation for this starts before the kid. It starts the minute you've made the decision to adopt trans-racially, to have those conversations, to build that community and then remind your child that they are loved regardless.
But you also have to ensure you're celebrating their culture and their racial identity within your home and every aspect. So you are going to be their largest advocates. You have to make sure you're prepping the world for them, and this is when you have to use your white privilege at every instance.
I think when a lot of people talk about race or racism, people end up not talking about it because they feel as though they might say the wrong thing. What advice can you give them?
Parenting, like life, isn't perfect. I think it's being open and honest with your children, especially if you're non-racialized parents about this isn't our lived experience, so we might make mistakes in how we explain things to you.
As humans, we have a tendency to search for perfection in everything we do. And if it's not perfect, we're not going to do it. Choosing not to do anything creates more harm. It lets systems of oppression continue to thrive. I think once we get comfortable with the idea that we're going to make mistakes and it's going to be OK, because as we tell kids, every mistake is a learning opportunity, we need to apply that rule to ourselves as well. Every mistake is a learning opportunity. You didn't get it right this time. That means you have enough motivation to go and learn a little bit more to get it right the next time.
Can you give us two dos and two don'ts on navigating race and racism with your kids?
Talk about it. The dos is talk about it. Acknowledge it. Acknowledge race. Race is not a bad thing. I am very happy to be a Black woman. I'm very happy that my son is biracial and has two identities he gets to call his own. So I think talking about it, acknowledging it is one of the dos..
Even if you're uncomfortable, you can start really small. There's a wonderful book with Sesame Street where they talk about all the differences in the way people show up. Having those kinds of resources in your home from the minute you have kids or the minute your space becomes a child friendly space is a do.
The don'ts I have is don't leave it till the end. Don't leave it for the outside world to decide what level of information your children get about racial identity, ethnicities and cultural differences.
And don't let being afraid of making a mistake be the reason you don't start. I don't think it's going to save us any harm if we choose to say if it's not perfect, it's not worth doing, because if we do that, we continue to let inequity thrive, we continue to create spaces for racism to do what it's already doing. We are seeing a rise in nationalism and xenophobia and all that, so I think continuing to pretend is going to do us more harm than good.
For more stories about the experiences of Black Canadians — from anti-Black racism to success stories within the Black community — check out Being Black in Canada, a CBC project Black Canadians can be proud of. You can read more stories here.
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