Feeling at home in your own skin? This Newfoundlander says it took decades
CBC N.L. sits down with Andrew Kim to talk race, identity and belonging.
Andrew Kim doesn't really remember those early days in Korea. His family left before he was six; Edmonton, more than anything, feels like his childhood home.
That is, if you define "home" as a place where you're never quite comfortable in your own skin.
"I definitely felt like I didn't belong," says Kim, now a business professor at Memorial University. Schoolkids would single him out, devising a rhyming scheme he grits his teeth at even decades later.
"It was race-based. Fairly cruel. Something I would be mortified to talk about … even up to a few years ago," Kim says carefully.
"That had a distinct impact on me."
While he was still in grade school, his father announced the family was moving again, this time to St. John's.
"In many respects it was immense relief, coming here, because it meant a little bit more stability and security," he says. The upheaval of his early years, in that sense, settled as he entered high school.
But the impact of the rhyme lingered, leading Kim to curate aspects of his personality to fit the culture around him. Kim was more "careful about how I behaved," he explains. "There weren't many people like me, that looked like me."
My mom used to think I didn't like Korean food. But I did — I secretly did.
Kim withdrew, hesitant to socialize. He's not confident pinning it all on his status as a newcomer, but he harbours suspicions.
"Those are formative years, right? They might be feelings that most people have," he says.
Feeling welcome after a snowfall
He recalls his first winter here, the confusion following a storm. His parents hadn't realized they needed a shovel to get through the season. Kim got to work outside with a laundry hamper, trying ineffectually to dig out a dent in their driveway.
The kids next door — born Newfoundlanders, used to the weather — came over to help. He remembers feeling unusually welcomed, in that moment.
In others, he felt just as alien as he always had: quietly noticing implicit bias in conversations, or language that didn't exactly include a non-white resident. People asked, constantly, if he was "here for school."
"Being friendly and welcoming has different layers," Kim says, thinking back. "Saying hi is one thing, but to truly include [someone] is different."
For years, Kim tried to shirk those feelings of unease.
"My mom used to think I didn't like Korean food. But I did — I secretly did. I just never felt comfortable eating it," he admits.
"It was one of the things that made me different."
'Code-switching'
It took years, and an eventual pilgrimage back to Korea, to feel at home in Canada. There, he found himself "code-switching," as Kim puts it: revealing his Korean identity when around Koreans, his Canadian identity around Canadians. He'd even sometimes speak two languages in one sentence.
"It felt empowering," he says, a skill and gift rather than a part of himself he wanted to hide. He felt less shame when eating Korean food.
WATCH | Andrew Kim didn't feel at home, anywhere, for most of his life. See his conversation with Ramraajh Sharvendiran:
The distinct sense of alienation hovering over him began to fade. Kim's not sure whether it's because the culture here is changing or whether he simply cares less about that adolescent urge to belong.
Newfoundland, today, is still where Kim resides: it's where he got his degree and launched his career.
But is it home?
It is, he says.
One of many.
Video shot and edited by Mark Cumby. Interview by Ramraajh Sharvendiran.
About N.L. in Colour
N.L. in Colour is a five-part series examining race and identity in Newfoundland and Labrador. This is the third instalment. We'll be bringing you the next on Dec. 10.
Here are Ramraajh Sharvendiran's first two interviews:
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