Mental health campaigners say men need help — and the courage to ask for it
Advocates say men often don't ask for help because of societal pressure to not show emotion
Jody Williams spent three years in a deep depression, but very few knew about it.
"I kept it to myself," he said. "You get really good at putting on the face."
That "face" — that everything was all right — was a mask he wore day after day because the thought of sharing his emotions was too daunting. He says he didn't think anyone would listen.
"I was in a really dark place," he said, with thoughts of ending things creeping to the surface.
Fast forward to the present: Williams has made it his job to listen. Through coaching and working with the prison system, he says he works with men who have faced the same pain.
Williams would learn there is a crisis among men and mental health. According to the Mental Health Commission of Canada, of the approximate 4,000 deaths by suicide in 2022, 75 per cent were men. Suicide is also the second leading cause of death among men aged 15 to 19.
In a recent panel discussion on CBC's The Signal about mental health, Williams said people don't know how prevalent depression and mental health issues among men are in society.
Even people in the clutches of depression might not know themselves, says Brent Beshara, a military veteran and health and wellness advocate. He says he learned he had depression only when he learned what the symptoms for it were.
After two decades in a military career, where every day was ordered and mechanical, he says he felt lost after he retired.
"I just feel that right now it's a challenge for men to find purpose in life," Beshara said.
Bill Jeffery, a counsellor and the founder of the Lonely Man, a non-profit that advocates on men's issues, says the worst aspect of depression is the apathy.
"I've talked to men who for a decade have gone through life just going through the motions," Jeffery said.
Depression affects the brain and robs the simple pleasures of life, he says. And the men shared they find they don't care about their careers, their families, their health, and eventually their lives.
"The longer that goes on, the more chronic and more devastating it becomes," Jeffery said.
Stigma, emotions, and expectations
Jeffery says the difference between men and women in mental health discussions is that women are more inclined to speak up and seek change. But men will more often stay quiet about their problems, toughen up, even if support is there.
It was the case with Audrey Wade's son.
Wade says when her son Davis was growing up, he was always surrounded by the support of family and in school. He had big dreams of working in sports medicine.
"When high school finished and there was no other place to go and the support system started to fall apart, so did he," she said.
In 2021, her son died by suicide. Since then, Wade has been vocal about mental health. Wade said she could see, looking back, how he didn't voice his struggles and the pressure he was under—a pressure on how men should behave and not express their emotions.
A pressure that trickles down from past generations, Jeffery says.
He says last fall he had discussions with high school seniors, and he asked them what being a man means to them.
"They gave me all the same old mantras that I had 30-odd years ago. Be strong, be competitive, be dominant," he said. "One kid said to beat up other kids."
More targeted work needs to be done
Jeffery says the world men live in is changing, and so is the overall definition of masculinity. Where once a man was defined by what he contributed, it no longer applies today where households share responsibilities.
But, he says, there has to be specific programming targeting different ages that offers help, tools, and advice for men.
"You want men to be better, but we've never given them programs or services to do that. We just say, 'Don't be yourself. Don't be exactly who we raised you to be in society,'" he said.
Programming that teaches communication and what a healthy relationship even looks like is essential.
Early next year, Beshara says he hopes to launch a program in schools to teach breathwork—a two-minute pause and grounding in the breath when emotions are swirling. A practice for the muscles that regulate emotions.
Wade echoes this, saying programming should begin earlier with young children in preschools and parents also need to learn about the importance of mental health.
Williams says offering services is a great step, but men have to show up.
"I think a huge problem is the lack of men willing to come into the space and just say openly, 'I don't feel good, I'm not OK'...almost every day I cry at some point. Not always tears of sadness but of compassion and joy. Why do we apologize for crying when it's appropriate?" Williams said.
"The skillsets of emotional regulation—no matter what happens in the world—you're always going to need them."
If you or someone you know is struggling, here's where to get help:
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Canada's Suicide Crisis Helpline: Call or text 988.
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Kids Help Phone: 1-800-668-6868. Text 686868. Live chat counselling on the website.
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Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention: Find a 24-hour crisis centre.
This guide from the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health outlines how to talk about suicide with someone you're worried about.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
With files from The Signal
