Fresh from the Office of the Hot Potato, a mash of political intrigue
In a satirical column, Edward Riche writes on how the tough get going on not going anywhere
This satirical column is by Edward Riche, a St. John's writer.
On the heels of mishandling of the report on allegations of bullying and harassment at Elections N.L. comes the announcement of the creation of a new Newfoundland and Labrador Office of the Hot Potato.
"The Office of the Hot Potato will serve as a clearing house for files considered to have too many political liabilities," said an unnamed official at the premier's office.
"Really problematic issues, the kind of hard-to-solve problems that can ruin your day — or a term in office — come up in government all the time, in every department. We are creating one-stop-shop-this-shit for the system."
With the creation of the office, headed by an independent Commissioner of the Hot Potato, all branches of government will now more easily be able to delay, deflect or obfuscate when necessary.
In the near term, difficult decisions regarding the future of the Marble Mountain ski resort, missed opportunities at St. John's beleaguered once-international airport and various other problems — seafood processing licensing, ferries, food security, the Labrador-Island Link for Muskrat Falls power — will need to be dodged or at least kicked far down the road.
Don't forget the purgatory that is health care
Troubling findings about the aquaculture industry, the subsidization of massively profitable oil companies and the purgatory that is health care in Newfoundland and Labrador are sure to find their way to the Office of the Hot Potato.
Because much of the blame for the occlusion of government information will fall on the Commissioner of the Hot Potato, J. Richard Candow, a shadowy figure with no reputation left to save, has been appointed to the position.
"J. Richard never met a redaction he didn't like," said Candow, who speaks in Eddie Joycean Newfoundland English. "I see a red flag and I want it painted black."
"Premier or one of his ministers wants a document 'scrubbed' and J. Richard is breaking out the Javex," says an unnamed official.
"Once a document comes to the office, Candow is going to take whatever time is necessary to give it thorough scrutiny, even if that means conclusions being drawn or a report being issued long long after members of the administration have gone off to collect their reward in the private sector.
"Something got a high hum coming off it and J. Richard can institute the Candow Protocol, sealing the offensive information in a drum and burying it in the ground somewhere west of Goobies. I'd like to say more but I have my own privacy concerns and am wondering whether all these hard questions from journalists constitute bullying," the official said.
"Candow has been centrally involved in no fewer than 13 or 14 major scandals, in business and government and has managed to not once be held accountable for his actions," the official added.
"So he was the perfect fit for Commissioner of the Hot Potato. It was either that, or Nalcor."
Some chronically troublesome issues — like garbage collection in unincorporated communities, provincial parks or anything to do with cultural funding — will remain the purview of the Small Potatoes Secretariat.
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