Hands up for that 2nd wave: 'Exercise' tips for the pandemic-weary
Screaming can count as as a way to burn calories, notes contributor Edward Riche
Here are a series of exercises designed to prepare you for the second wave of COVID-19.
Isolaters: Lock yourself in one room of your house with only Netflix for diversion. Attempt holding for 20 minutes.
Ultra mask: Fit a pillow case over your head, scream for help, rest, repeat.
Splats: Lie face down on cold, hard damp surface with arms and legs as extended as fully as possible. Use hands and feet to claw in opposite directions while asking when this will end.
Canlit lifts: Stack all the books you had been meaning to read but never got around to and attempt lifting them from the table. Rest. Repeat twice before abandoning effort.
Fact facers: From an awkward and uncomfortable seated position read news, drop to ground and quickly pull into fetal position, hold.
Elbow shakes: Using elbows instead of hands answer the phone and open a jar of pickles.
Public washrooms: Bathroom No. 2 from a standing position.
Give ups: Pull bedsheets from body while in bed, reconsider, pull sheets back over body taking particular care to cover head. Do not repeat.
Glute busters: While holding your breath try drawing your anal sphincter to your tonsils.
Calf blasts: With arms extended straight out from shoulder, walk around the dining room table on tiptoes … forever.
Slurpees: Drink an entire box of wine directly from the spigot; jump up and down until unconsciousness.
Home schooled: Run as far away from your children as possible.
Escapercise: Attach manacled leg to deeply set wall mount by heavy chain.
Dodecathon: Run 15 kilometres around the house, 300 splats, 300 glute busters, dig a well in the back yard by hand, three hours left-versus-right hand-to-hand combat, bake 60 loaves of bread.
High-intensity cooldown: At the 19th minute of your high-intensity 20-minute workout, collapse directly into a heap. Hold position until nightfall.
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