Saint John boxer hangs up her gloves, opens up about battle with mental health
World champion Charlie Cavanagh retires from boxing at 23
Saint John boxer Charlie Cavanagh is following her intuition and stepping away from the sport.
But the decision didn't come easy.
"I felt a lot of guilt about that because being a professional athlete is a dream job — a lot of people would love to be in that position," she said.
"I think that, for most of my career, I did feel [like] a bit of an imposter.
"I've been a boxer for over a decade now and I almost don't know who I am without it. So I think that I was dreading the sport because I knew that it was time for me to leave, but I didn't really know how to do that."
Cavanagh, 23, started boxing at 12 and along with being on Team Canada, she now holds numerous world titles.
While Cavanagh could be seen smiling on the podium, behind the scenes, she was battling her own demons.
In a way, she said she felt an obligation to continue the sport, noting how as a national team member, there was always a sense that she needed to bring home medals. But also, she said her community knew her as the "boxer with the goal of reaching the Olympics."
"I sort of felt that I owed that to someone," she said. "I don't know who I owed it to, but I felt that I owed it. And that made it really difficult for me to walk away without that goal being accomplished."
She also said she started to worry about some of the physical injuries she was getting, including two serious concussions, and how those would affect her.
Cavanagh posted the announcement that she would be leaving on Instagram about a week ago. Accompanying the post, she included a compilation of tearful moments.
She said she thinks the video represented how she was feeling for the past few months. She said travelling alone so much gave her a lot of time to just sit with her thoughts.
Eventually, she said she was crying almost every day.
And the mental health challenges that come with playing high-level sports has also affected other athletes worldwide. This includes Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps, tennis star Bianca Andreescu and Olympic gymnast Simone Biles who took a two-year break for mental health reasons.
Natalie Durand-Bush, a University of Ottawa sports psychology professor and the executive director of the Canadian Centre for Mental Health and Sport, said it takes a lot of courage for athletes to step away from a sport and publicly acknowledge their struggles with mental health.
She said she thinks when high-level athletes are vulnerable in this way, it opens the door to conversations around mental health.
"Some of the aspiring athletes looking up to them could be saying … 'If they're facing struggles, with all their success, with all, you know, the skills that they've developed, then it should be OK for me to also be open about this or to get the help that I need,'" said Durand-Bush.
"I think it's also letting people know that these people are human beings, first and foremost."
She said the decision to step away from a sport, whether it be temporarily or permanently, is not made lightly. She said athletes who have invested so many years in their career often have a "high athletic identity," so to step away can be tough.
For Cavanagh, another challenge was her fight with an eating disorder, which she also recently opened up about on Instagram.
She said she thinks athletes in all sports can relate to struggling with eating disorders, but especially in boxing, since it is a weight category sport.
"There's always the pressure to be close to your fight weight," she said, adding that small comments from a coach or athlete can compound.
"Looking back, I know that I'm in a healthy body. But those things definitely played with my self image and the more overt things of having a meal plan and having to weigh out your food, it really results in being food obsessed."
While Cavanagh is still in recovery, she said she's made huge leaps since posting about her retirement. She also said she expected to receive a loss of followers and some criticism, but instead, she's experienced an overflow of support.
Now, Cavanagh has future plans as well — she's been accepted to a program at Mount Saint Vincent University in Halifax to work toward becoming a dietitian; she took up the sport of rowing at a beginner level; and she's moving in with her best friend.
And despite her challenges with boxing, Cavanagh said the sport has given her a lot.
"Boxing has … taught me that I'm more powerful than I give myself credit for, and that I have strength and resiliency," she said.
"A lot of these aspects that have helped me so far in boxing are going to help me in any avenue that I pursue. For so long, I thought that I had to be a boxer and that these traits only would help me in boxing.
"But I'm starting to see that my strength is not only physical in the ring, but it can manifest as, you know, vulnerability online and ways to help other people and athletes [who] might be experiencing similar pressures in sport."
If you or someone you know is struggling with disordered eating, here's where to get help:
- National Eating Disorder Information Centre: 1-866-633-4220.
- Kids Help Phone: 1-800-668-6868. Text 686868. Live chat counselling on the website.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
With files from Information Morning Saint John, Julia Wright