Winnipeg man who abused his wife shares his story to help others
'James' hopes his story helps other men and women affected by domestic violence
A Winnipeg man who physically abused his wife for many years said it took him a long time to realize he needed help.
"James" is sharing his story with CBC News in hopes that it will help encourage other men and women affected by domestic violence to seek out support. CBC News is not identifying the man by his real name for privacy reasons.
James said he started to physically hurt his wife six months after they were married.
"I started to control how she [was acting], where she could go, who her friends could be, and then it's like a snake that kind of sneaks into the room and you're not even aware the snake is there." James said.
The 47-year-old said he used to have problems controlling his anger and often lashed out at his wife.
"It was brutal, it was violent, it was terrible," James said.
Cycle of violence
James said his violent behaviour would often come in cycles and the abuse would get worse over the Christmas holidays.
I wish that these men would just stop and really look into the eyes of the people they're harming.- James
"She couldn't predict when it was going to happen. She would say later on to me that my facial expressions would suddenly change and she knew she just had moments before she should leave quickly," he said.
James said he finally realized he needed help after a night he beat his wife so bad it nearly put her in the hospital.
"When you see someone in that state, I'd seen her like that before, but this time it was like ... this has got to stop."
Self harm
James said he also had thoughts of suicide and told his wife to leave him because he was worried about what he might do to her one day.
James eventually stopped hurting his wife, but then started turning to drugs and harming himself.
James started talking to a counsellor at the Evolve Men's Program at Klinic in Winnipeg two years ago.
He said it changed his life.
"For me it was a [tearful] moment, I wept when I realized there was a different way," he said.
"For me it was like somebody had gone into my soul and literally was stroking my heart, telling me there is another way, you know there is another way, like a whisper."
Abused as a kid
James said he learned in therapy that he needed to deal with his own story of abuse.
He said he was sexually abused as a child by a relative. He didn't pursue any charges as an adult because he didn't want to reopen any old wounds.
James also said it was "heartbreaking" to hear about the recent shooting death of Camille Runke. Runke's estranged husband who is suspected of killing her, shot himself to death.
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"Every time I see a woman or child in that situation, if I see a woman in that situation I get emotional," James said as he fought back tears.
He said he wants more men who abuse their partners to know there is help out there, and that it's OK to admit they have a problem.
"I wish that these men would just stop and really look into the eyes of the people they're harming," James said.
"They need to see her eyes, they need to see her pain and accept it, not run away from it."
Getting help
Mel MacPhee-Sigurdson is a counsellor at the Evolve Men's Program at Klinic, which offers support to men who want to stop behaving abusively with their partners.
MacPhee-Sigurdson said the first stage of the program involves an open group session and the second stage involves a 20-week therapy group, where men share their stories with other men about their abusive relationships.
She said the program only helps about 20 men per year because many are too afraid to call and get help.
"We do lose a couple here and there," she said. "Some guys are not quite ready to take that look at themselves."
She said unlike the Women's Evolve program at Klinic, there is no wait list for the men's program.
"Men are not coming to us in droves; women are coming to us in droves," she said.
"It's concerning because for every man that stays silent on this issue, there's a person who is being harmed," MacPhee-Sigurdson added.
Staying together
James said he and his wife are still together today after all the years of abuse. They have two teenage boys and all plan to continue family therapy together.
James said it's been 10 years since he last physically harmed his wife.
"But they still have moments when they get scared and they still have moments when they run to their room and that's good, they need that," James said.
"My wife was a heroic woman to stay this long."
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