HUNKS comedy's New Year's goals: bench press dog, juggle toilet paper
Opinion: Comedy group suggests New Year's resolutions that 'you can actually do during lockdown'
With 2021 just around the corner, the time for New Year's resolutions is upon us.
Resolutions are difficult to achieve in the best of times, much less with this "new normal" we're in the midst of. That's why we've compiled a list of New Year's resolutions that you and your family can actually do in this post COVID-19 world.
1) Exercise more
Yes, the gym is closed; that's why you must open your mind. No equipment? No problem! Instead of a treadmill, run in place on the slick kitchen floor wearing grandma's knitted socks. Instead of weights, bench your dog. The average dog weighs about 32 pounds, so add dogs slowly.
Only buy as much toilet paper as you can safely juggle.- HUNKS
2) Become a Fedora Guy
By the time you are allowed to go outside, you'll be so comfortable wearing it that you might even consider adding sideburns and a bass guitar.
3) Eat more vegetables
Find new ways of sneaking veggies into your diet. Don't like broccoli? Blend some into your coffee! Sweet tooth got you beat? Sprinkle some lentils over your ice cream! Have teeth? Add some mushy peas to your toothpaste!
4) Start smoking
Then, quit smoking! You just beat addiction. Boom. Easy. Next! Cheque, please!
5) Don't cut your own hair again this year
A YouTube video doesn't really teach you how to cut your own hair, especially when you inevitably stop watching halfway through. Long hair is better than mangled hair every time.
6) Get that face tattoo you've always wanted but were too afraid to try
With masks being mandatory, now is definitely the time to take the plunge! No one will know what's going on under there, not the bank, your boss, your mom or your boyfriend!
7) Take the stairs
Pull a hilarious prank on your neighbours by stealing their front steps! Studies find that people who take other peoples' porch steps are 10 times less likely to die of heart disease.
8) Only buy as much toilet paper as you can safely juggle
In your imagination, you can visit any faroff land, whether it still exists or not.- HUNKS
9) Grow a moustache
If my Auntie Fran can do it, so can you! Bonus: The only person you'll be subjecting the awkward growth period stage to is yourself.
10) Travel more
This is a tricky one. For the most part it is highly illegal to travel, even domestically. But there's nothing stopping you from pretending to travel. Lie back, close your eyes and let your most ill-informed preconceived notions and stereotypes be your tour guide. In your imagination, you can visit any far-off land, whether it still exists or not. And with no locals to correct you, it'll be everything your ignorance imagined.
This column is part of CBC's Opinion section. For more information about this section, please read this editor's blog and our FAQ.
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