HUNKS comedy offers unique spring cleaning tips (that don't involve a broom)

This column is a (comedic) opinion by HUNKS sketch comedy group in Winnipeg. For more information about CBC's Opinion section, please see the FAQ.

The temperatures are climbing, the streets are a grey sludge river, and that one guy is already walking around in shorts and a tee shirt: Spring has finally arrived! 

If you're anything like us, your home is a dump truck filled to the brim with the garbage of a long winter: i.e. takeout boxes, tried-and-failed hobbies and literally thousands of dead rats. That's why we've put together a list of quick and easy spring cleaning hacks to help you dig your way out of your own filth this spring! 

1. Release a bunch of spiders.

Fruit flies hanging around your fridge, sink and toilet? No problem! Unleash some spiders into your kitchen/bathroom and let nature do the work!

Spiders taking over your house? Release some scorpions to gobble them up.

Scorpions scaring the crap out of you? Hire a therapist to break through the scorpion's tough exterior. 

2. Give your carpet the beating of its life.

Instead of beating the dust out of your old carpet and drapes with a broom, rent it out to the local boxing gym. Now you're making money while they get cleaned! But be careful — don't let the carpet make more money than you or you'll lose the respect of your friends and family. 

3. Tape pennies to your leaves.

This takes some planning, but in the springtime tape pennies to all the leaves on your trees. Once fall rolls around, just pull out your trusty giant magnet on a stick and gather them quickly, easily and with barely more effort than raking. No pennies? Dip them in a cheap metal like mercury! We're pretty sure this will work! 

4. Nip dirty gutters in the bud(ders).

Hire an out of work hockey goalie to stay perched on your rooftop and block away anything that tries to get in your gutter net. Don't forget to provide a bucket, skates and defensive line. 

5. Use leftover toilet paper rolls as a spool for your loose toilet paper.

We've found this to be so much more convenient than keeping it in hat boxes under the bed. This will come in handy at Hallowe'en, when the neighbourhood teens adorn your house and trees with loose toilet paper (bless their hearts).

6. Declutter your yard.

Try the Marie Kondo method of tidying up and hold your fence tight to see whether it sparks joy. If not, you know what to do (burn it down). Try this method with spare trees, unwanted sheds and unnecessary neighbours! 

Hopefully these tips and tricks will help you on your way to spring cleaning domination. With all the time you've saved, think of all the new hobbies you can attempt and discard! Did somebody say: COMPETITIVE SWORD COLLECTING??

Oh yeah, I think you're going to be just fine.

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