HUNKS comedy offers tips to survive daylight saving time
'Just drive' or 'join the army' and other (not so helpful) ways to manage daylight saving, says HUNKS
This column is an opinion by HUNKS, a Winnipeg-based sketch comedy group. For more information about CBC's Opinion section, please read this editor's blog and our FAQ.
It's that time of year again: daylight saving time.
That horrifying spring day when the clock jumps ahead one hour and you spend the next six months writing the wrong time on your cheques.
Well, you don't have to let daylight saving ruin your life. Here are some things you can do to help you minimize the negative effects of the new time change:
Quit your job
Daylight saving happens every year, and every year you get fired for being an hour late. It's as if daylight saving KNOWS you've already received verbal and written warnings for calling in sick too many times. Well, not this year! You can't get fired from a job you do not have. FACT!
Cause a lot of drama
There are bigger things to worry about in this life than daylight saving time. Like, how you're about to get caught having an affair with your grocer. With all the lying, deceit and subsequent strain on friendships, you'll barely notice the inconvenience of losing an hour of sleep.
Just drive
Get in your car and try to out-run daylight saving. Head west and don't stop. Dye your hair and make sure you're not followed.
Realize that time is an illusion
Time doesn't exist. The only thing that truly exists is now. The past is not now, and neither is the future. But, the now breaks down into infinitesimally smaller increments, and as you divide the now into smaller and smaller increments, you will realize that time essentially stands still.
And, so, how does so-called "daylight saving" make any sense at all? Be warned, though: the parking authority totally doesn't see things the same way.
Become a Time Lord
This one might be tricky if you don't have a degree. But trust us, the ability to manipulate timelines becomes particularly advantageous right around the second Sunday in March.
Join the army
Daylight saving can't get you if you're deployed in, oh, I don't know, THE ARABIAN SEA! Even if it did come looking for you, good luck seeing you in your camouflage.
Use it to your advantage
Instead of avoiding daylight saving, why not lean into it? Plan a visit with your parents and arrive the moment the clocks jump ahead. Then look at your watch and say "Wowza! Look at the time! I've been here an hour already! Welp, gotta go!" Of course, the clocks change at two a.m., so I guess you're staying up drinkin'.
Like it or not, daylight saving time is part of life. Maybe someday we'll enter the 21st century, like Saskatchewan, and our podcast-based economy won't be held hostage by the sleep cycle of mustard seed farmers. But this year we'll all just have to do our best and eat our lunch, even though we're not hungry yet.
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