Hamilton's weirdest crime stories of 2013

It was Batman that once said, “criminals are a superstitious and cowardly lot.” What he failed to mention is they’re also not always the brightest.

In the spirit of looking back on the year that was, CBC Hamilton has compiled a list of some of the weirdest crime stories that happened in the city in 2013. Have a look, and marvel at some of the things that people actually thought were a good idea this year.

NHL hopeful from Hamilton wakes up drunk in stranger's home

You can’t make this stuff up. Back in March, NHL prospect Scott Timmins was arrested after allegedly waking up drunk in a stranger's house in San Antonio, Texas.

According to a report from San Antonio Police, a woman found Timmins having a snooze on her couch in the middle of the night. She asked, "Who are you?" to which Timmins replied, "Who are you?"

When the woman asked him what he was doing in her house, he casually responded, "Don't worry about that,” before police were called and he was escorted out.

Prankster plants pot outside Hamilton courthouse

Take that, authority! Someone planted pot in the garden outside Hamilton's Unified Family Courthouse this past summer.

An eagle-eyed woman walking past the courthouse spotted the plants and called police, foiling the prank.

And somewhere, a stoner wept.

Man tries to drive through police checkpoint with pot on lap

And speaking of pot… you probably shouldn’t drive through a police checkpoint with a pile of it on your lap.

Back in February, a man was stopped going through a checkpoint for not wearing a seatbelt. He also happened to have marijuana strewn over his lap. Fourteen grams worth in the car, to be exact. And they found 2.4 grams of cocaine. And 123 grams of hash. Oh, and a bunch of cash and a replica gun.

Smooth.

Would be thieves try to rob bank that isn't open

If you’re going to rob a bank, you should probably make sure it’s, you know, open.

Last month, three masked men got out of a stolen Ford Explorer outside a CIBC in the city’s east end. Two of them tried to open the door, but couldn’t get in… because it wasn’t scheduled to open for another 15 minutes.

The suspects jumped back into the vehicle and sped off before ditching it at the end of Mount Albion Road. Search dogs were brought in to scour the wooded area, but no one was found.

Hamilton woman charged after 11-year-old found behind the wheel

Conning someone into chauffeuring you around to do errands? Nothing wrong with it. But you should probably make sure your driver has hit puberty.

This past summer, an 11-year-old boy was stopped driving a car with a 68-year-old woman in the passenger seat. Police say she had taught her preteen neighbour to drive so that he could help her with "an array of errands."

In case you were wondering, Ontarians still need to be at least 16 years old to apply for a driver's licence.

Thieves make clean getaway stealing $17K in shampoo and mouthwash

Some things seem like natural targets for thieves: high-end electronics, jewels, cash – things like that.

But back in August, thieves broke into an east Hamilton trucking business and made off with nearly $17,000 worth of shampoo and mouthwash.

At the time, police weren’t sure if the thieves had targeted their haul, or if it was just the easiest thing available to steal. If it was targeted, it raises the question: Is there really that kind of black market for shampoo?

Meat thefts, attempted or otherwise

In September, Hamiltonians collectively wondered "Where's the beef?" after a trailer containing 40,000 lbs. of meat disappeared from an Ancaster lot.

(Strange but true: It wasn't the first time in 2013 that bandits in Hamilton tried to bring home the bacon by filching a truckload of animal flesh.)