A year without Devan: Selvey family feels loss every day as anniversary of his death approaches
Devan Selvey was killed behind his Hamilton high school on Oct.7, 2019
A navy blue and grey backpack has been in the back of Shari-Ann Selvey's car for the past year.
It's been there since the day she tried to pull her son Devan to safety.
Since the day he died in her arms behind Sir Winston Churchill Secondary School.
The backpack still sits on his seat.
For Shari-Ann and her daughter Karissa, the past year has been hard.
Shari-Ann says the mornings are the most difficult.
"We used to have tea ... and talk before I drove him to school," she said through tears.
"Now everything is quiet. There's no random hugs and 'I love you' from him or laughing at me because I'm shorter than he is."
Devan was killed behind his Hamilton high school on Oct. 7, 2019.
Two brothers, who were 14 and 18 years old at the time, were initially charged with first-degree murder.
The murder charge against the older brother was dropped. He has pleaded guilty to a reduced charge of unauthorized possession of a weapon. The younger brother is still charged with murder and is awaiting trial.
The Youth Criminal Justice Act prevents CBC News from identifying either teen.
Following Devan's death, Shari-Ann said he had been bullied and that the school hadn't done enough to protect him. The stabbing sparked conversations around bullying in Hamilton and across Canada.
The Hamilton-Wentworth District School Board (HWDSB) responded by setting up a panel to review four areas of bullying —prevention, intervention, reporting and responding. It plans to launch an online survey this fall and present a final report to the board in December.
'It still feels like it was just yesterday'
On a rainy Sunday Devan's mother and sister tended to a memorial set up behind the school.
It's just a stone's throw from where everything happened that day, but Shari-Ann says she doesn't want to walk over there. She's torn between a desire to get away and the pull to be near the last place her son was alive.
Instead, they carefully placed purple flowers around a T-shirt with messages of "Rest in Peace Devan" and made sure the stuffed animals were sitting upright.
When they talk about Devan, their tears are interrupted by laughing and smiles —their sorrow tangled with the joy of their memories.
"For me, it still feels like it was just yesterday or the day of," said Karissa. "I still think he's going to walk through the door. I still expect in the middle of the night that he's going to scream at his video game, wake me up."
Reminders of him are everywhere. Coming across his favourite breakfast at the grocery store is enough to make Shari-Ann break down. Everyday rituals like running to Tim Hortons end with her crying when they pick up only two drinks instead of three.
Baby Maisie a reminder of brother
Karissa sees her brother in her daughter Maisie.
Devan was so excited to meet his new niece and teach her about cars and video games.
He comforted his sister as she dealt with morning sickness — making sure she always had a glass of milk or a banana Popsicle when she needed one. He cried with her and tried to comfort her.
Maisie was born the same month that he died. Karissa says her first word was "Dev."
"She has so many characteristics of him and just every time you look at her a certain way you can see his smirk … she chews on her sweater's arm like he did," said Karissa. "It's comforting, but it's heart-breaking at the same time."
As she sorted through outfits for her baby in the months that followed Devan's death, she came across onesies he bought for her, with words like 'I love my uncle" and "My uncle's the best" embroidered upon them.
She misses him when Marvel movies come out, because that was their thing. At Halloween, when they used to play pranks on each other to see who could scare their sibling more.
Vigil planned for Wednesday
As the days on the calendar creep closer to October 7 "it's like the wound is being reopened up again," Karissa explained. "There's a big part of me that's gone."
Shari-Ann is holding on to hope that the HWDSB's bullying review will save another family from having to go through the pain and loss she's struggling with.
"The message is still the same as it was a year ago," she said. "It can't happen again and we need to all step up for that."
In the meantime, Devan's backpack remains in the backseat.
Karissa says it's only been disturbed twice — once when they dug into it to return his school-issued iPad, and a second time when she wanted something to hold that still smelled like her brother.
On Wednesday the family plans to gather near Devan's favourite trail to comfort each other and remember.
A virtual candlelight vigil is planned for that same night from 7-8 p.m.
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