After 2 years of pandemic school, I took a gap year for my mental well-being

This First Person article is the experience of Malcolm Parker who is a student at the University of Ottawa and lives in North Cobalt, Ont. For more information about CBC's First Person stories, please see the FAQ.

Being a high school student isn't easy. There's the pressure to fit in and make friends, maintain a social media presence, and the ever present focus on grades. Somehow you have to figure out what to do in life after high school — never mind that you're still unsure about who you are! 

I was juggling all of that. I was always a good student and my teachers would compliment me in every report card. But I was also struggling with social anxiety in Grade 10. So I saw a counsellor and was put on medication. It worked wonders for me, and I eventually stopped seeing him. 

I did well on my own for a couple of months. By then, I was in Grade 11 and I was working most weekends and nights after school. It was close to 20 hours a week while I also balanced a full course load to save up for a school trip to Italy and France. The trip cost $3,000 and my family couldn't afford it, so it was on me to pay for it by myself. I didn't notice it at the time, but I was burning myself out fast. My grades slipped and my report cards once again turned from praise to concern. It was one of my lowest points mentally.

When Christmas came around, I began to feel better. My report cards and grades bounced back in the second semester. I had successfully saved up for my once-in-a-lifetime trip over March break and I had so much for which to be hopeful.

We all know what happened in early 2020. My trip, for which I had worked so hard to save money, was delayed. Eventually it was cancelled.

It crushed me. All the sacrifices I had made, the hours I worked, were for nothing in the blink of an eye.

Schools eventually implemented online learning during the pandemic. The social isolation was painful. I tried really hard to keep up with my school work, but I was exhausted by it. And it didn't seem to matter anyway. The school was giving students a wide latitude because they recognized pandemic school was tough. Our grades would be mostly unaffected whether or not we turned in assignments, so why bother?

After a short summer break from the chaos, I went back to school with a bizarre new schedule for my senior year.

We had one class at a time, every day all day, for a month straight at a time to avoid mingling with different classes of students. It was a disaster for me and many of my friends and classmates. You can only do math every day for so long before your mind rebels! 

Things dragged on, and my resolve was slowly failing. By December 2020, I recognized I was on the brink of collapse once again and I was determined to avoid it. This time, I went to see my former counsellor again. With his help, I kept my head above water — albeit just barely. But suddenly, he resigned his position.

I tried to find another counsellor but came up short. There's a shortage of mental health professionals in northern Ontario, and I was on my own. I somehow kept myself going and felt lucky to have great friends and a wonderful girlfriend who supported me. They helped me feel sane.

Vaccinations became available for my age group in May 2021, and there seemed to be some hope. It felt like the world was getting better and moving through the pandemic. Still, it was hard to not feel that sense of loss when prom and graduation were cancelled.

I decided to take a gap year to save up for university and recover further. I've taken the time to read, to spend time with my loved ones and work during this last year. I sometimes feel envious of my friends who moved on and didn't take a break like I did. It's hard to see people move on to new things while you stay behind. But then I hear them complain about online classes and social isolation and feel reaffirmed in my choice. This fall, I'm a student at the University of Ottawa, and I feel ready to tackle the world.

I often feel like there isn't a lot of recognition for what students went through. It's not just about a cancelled dance or a school trip for me. It was about what we as a generation lost and will never get back.

Many students like myself are exhausted by it all. Those that have fallen behind need help to catch up. I was able to take a year off, but that's not an option for everyone. All I want is a stable world to grow up in, even if it seems more and more unlikely. 

Still, I press on. Because what else can we students do?

If you or someone you know is struggling, here's where to get help:

• Kids Help Phone: 1-800-668-6868 (phone), live chat counselling on the website.

• Talk Suicide Canada: 1-833-456-4566 (phone) | 45645 (text between 4 p.m. and midnight ET).

Do you have a similar experience to this First Person column? We want to hear from you. Write to us at firstperson@cbc.ca.