Strive for better balance of family 'emotional labour,' author says

An author of a new book is calling on couples to start talking about the emotional labour she says many women face in households.

Gemma Hartley argues women do the majority of what she calls emotional labour, the often unnoticed work to keep the household running and the family happy.

While making sure the kids are fed, dressed and doing their homework, the bearer of the emotional labour might also be on the phone to the pharmacy about refills while cooking dinner, making a grocery list, tending to a child's hurt feelings from school and picking up laundry left on the floor.

Should any of it be delegated, they have to make sure that family member doesn't feel criticized by the request — and actually completes the task requested — all without sounding like a nag.

"I'm talking about the invisible behind-the-scenes work that women are mostly doing that keeps everyone on track and comfortable," Hartley said. "It's a combination of mental work and emotion work that just serves the purpose of keeping everything running smoothly."

It might work for the other members of the family, but Hartley says it leaves the person, often a woman, feeling ignored, unappreciated and exhausted mentally and physically.

Her new book, called Fed Up: Emotional Labour, Women and the Way Forward, is based on a popular article she wrote for Harper's Bazaar magazine. She's hoping her book, based on interviews with hundreds of women and specialists, can offer suggestions for how couples can find solutions and a way to divide up the household duties in a way that works for them.

Harley was a guest Tuesday on two CBC Calgary radio shows, the Calgary Eyeopener and Alberta@Noon, and took calls from Albertans who wanted to weigh in.

Heidi Simmons from Red Deer, Alta., called in to say she's experienced this in her life but believes that men, if given the chance, can learn the skills many women learn from childhood that are needed to help shoulder the burden. 

"Emotional labour, women typically take on that role, and even historically, that role is placed upon them. But it doesn't mean that the men are incapable or unwilling to take part of that... off your plate," Simmons told Alberta@Noon. "It's a matter of communication, talking it over, making sure everybody understands what everybody else is going through."

Of course, not all relationships or households are led by a heterosexual, male-female couple. Others called in to say that as single dads, for example, they felt exhausted, as well, by shouldering all the burden, and found much of that remained even after remarrying. 

Many focused on how to build a strong partnership with the other person and be open about what needs to be done, what's the common standard and how to make sure both people are OK with the division of labour — and the ideal situation for your family likely won't be a 50/50 split.

Hartley herself has been working on this with her husband. She came to the realization after having a meltdown over putting away a box and wrapping paper he had left in their shared closet for several days.

The wrapping materials had been for her birthday present, a necklace, which she hadn't wanted. She had instead asked to have a cleaner "deep clean" her house. Instead, her husband offered to clean to the bathrooms and ordered a necklace. What she wanted, she said, was a break from planning and cleaning.

Eventually, they sat down to talk and sort out what would work for their house, family and relationship.

"I thought it would be fixed right away as soon as we had this conversation but it wasn't because it was a really slow, gradual process of my husband learning what this work really was. And it's hard to see when you're not the one doing it, and that goes for both of us," Hartley said. "There is a lot of work that he does that I wasn't recognizing, as well. I think that we both, you know, everyone tends to overestimate how much they do in comparison to their partner, in comparison to the people around them.

"It was really sort of looking at our lives, looking at the work that each of us do within the home and deciding what made sense for us. I think we've reached a much better balance now."

In Calgary, Liz Tompkins said she naturally took on that role so didn't expect her husband to do as much planning as she does. 

When her kids got old enough to get themselves ready for school, she took a two-month "mommy sabbatical." She went to Mexico for vacation alone.

"The natural consequence of doing that was my husband was amazed at the number of things that I did around the house, just keeping it running," Tompkins said

Since then, he's been far more thankful, and he's stepped up to help with what she used to do, she said.

Hartley said that likely isn't an option for most families but reassured listeners there is a way forward — if you start the conversation.

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​​With files from Alberta@Noon and the Calgary Eyeopener.