Classroom conflict: How can families resolve disagreements with teachers?

This story is part of Amy Bell's Parental Guidance column, which airs on CBC Radio One's The Early Edition.

School has been in session for more than a month, which means kids are settling into their classes, learning new things and likely complaining about their teachers. So what can be done when a problem between teachers and students — or their parents — comes up? 

Get the facts from both sides

You want to believe your child, of course. But unless a parent is attending class, they're usually only getting one perspective.

Jacqueline Sheppet is a high school teacher and a mom. She knows first hand, from both sides, that most situations are nuanced and children and teachers won't recall the situation exactly the same. Which isn't to say anyone is lying — it just means more facts are needed.

"Don't make any hasty judgments until you hear if that is in fact the case. Children are children and see things through a different lens than an adult," says Sheppet.  

"If you do hear something that makes you really worried or concerned, say to the child 'Wow. that is really concerning!' and then speak to the other party. Speak to the teacher and verify. Never tell the kid 'you're lying,' but maybe their recollection isn't quite what happened." 

And it's important for both teachers and parents to remember there is no enemy — just a common goal for children to be successful at school. By openly communicating with each other, instead of going on the attack, that goal can be achieved much more easily.

Communication is key

Ken Bisset has been an elementary school teacher and a librarian for more than 20 years, and he's also a parent of three. He encourages open communication from kids and parents — but wants parents to recognize that many things can impact a young child's state of mind, behaviour and ability to learn.

With 25 or more kids in a class, a teacher might not always realize there's an underlying issue at home until it's too late and has affected the child at school.

"It can be something small, like maybe their pet died, and maybe their parents weren't aware of how it was affecting them," said Bisset.

"It's really important if something is going on to let your son or daughter's teacher know.  Because it can be a small thing that in a child's mind is a big thing."

And Bisset says it's also important to remember that sometimes students and their teachers are just operating on a different wavelength.  

"Some people don't jibe. Even if they're not your favourite teacher, you'll learn something from it — even if it's just how to work with someone who you don't always see eye to eye with."

There are lessons to be learned

But can confrontation with a teacher ever be a good thing? If the student is put in a physically dangerous or emotionally destructive situation because of a teacher's actions, then clearly that is beyond anything a child can or needs to handle.

Other times, kids aren't looking for parents to fix their problem — they just want some guidance. 

Audrey McKinnon knows that she should just listen to her 12-year-old when he needs to vent about a problem with a teacher instead of busting into the school to fight for him.

"I ask some probing questions: 'Why does that bother you? What happened? Have you considered other perspectives?' and 'What do you want me to do? Do you want me to talk to your teacher?' I actually found that most of the time he really doesn't want me to talk to his teacher, he wants to vent about it and usually wants to try and find a solution on his own." said McKinnon. 

While it's very tempting to fix things for your kids, in the end, those benefits can be very short lived, when more long-term lessons can be learned from letting them recognize and address their own issues.

Sadly, each year, there are children with different abilities who may need more specialized teaching, and parents will often be put in the position of advocating for their child, while some teachers may not have adequate resources to help. 

These are systematic problems with our education system that we must continufe to fight to fix. More resources are desperately needed and that will help all students and teachers. 

As for other problems that might rear their heads through the year, it's good to remember this: Teachers and kids are just people who have good days and bad, and make mistakes. They also can learn from those mistakes if we take the time to discuss it openly and from all sides.

Because in the end, most teachers and parents want the same thing — for children to be safe, to expand their minds, and to become the best versions of themselves.