Parenting a Black child is a joyful experience filled with unique challenges, moms say

This story is part of Amy Bell's Parental Guidance column, which airs on CBC Radio One's The Early Edition.

Mall security following their children in malls, assumptions they come from broken homes, and even being picked last for gym teams at school.

These are all the lived experiences of parents of Black children, fraught with unique anxieties and social issues, needing a different kind of parenting and community support.

It's something often on the mind of Tanya Hayles, the Toronto-based founder of Black Moms Connection, which tries to increase the social, emotional and financial well-being of Black families.

"I can't raise my son for the world that I want him to inherit, I have to raise my son for the world he currently inhabits, and the world that he currently inhabits has mall security following around little Black boys thinking they are thieves. 

"Those are the realities. I can pretend to ignore them or hope they get better, but I would be doing him a disservice".

'I want to prepare him for the tough world'

But there is a price for dedicating that amount of emotional energy and vigilance. Hayles says she doesn't get to be as soft or fun as she would like to be as a parent. 

"I'm the mean mom, and I don't want to be. I want to prepare him for the tough world, but I'm supposed to be his soft-landing space. I don't think I have enough balance there."

For Black children, it can be difficult when they are seen as different from their peers for any reason. Black students in many schools across the province make up a small minority, and not seeing themselves or their history represented in the curriculum is also an issue.  

Denise Nana-yaa Obuobi recalls when her now 18-year-old daughter began kindergarten in East Vancouver. Despite attending a fairly diverse school, she was still one of only a few Black children, much like Obuobi was growing up in Edmonton. 

"I slowly started to see her being singled out," recalls Obuobi.  "It just happens naturally with human beings. We just related to each other and look for what is similar.  You're last to be picked for the dodgeball team, is what it is."

It was heartbreaking for Obuobi to see her daughter struggling, despite her efforts to keep her surrounded by a safe community and instill pride in her heritage.

"I was doing everything I could outside of school to build a foundation and provide. I felt guilty that I couldn't comfort her or be there for her. I knew she had that lack of representation.

'What if it's still not enough?'

What about parents of Black children who are not Black themselves? How does that affect their parenting?

Being a white parent often means you have privileges your Black children won't have. CJ Smith, a single mother of two daughters, one of whom is Black, says she is very aware that her children are treated differently, especially when it comes to praising or criticizing their different physical appearances, such as hair type.

As their mother, she works consciously to educate them about the issues of racism and being an ally. As a white woman, she worries that she will still unwittingly communicate biases she doesn't even realize she still holds. 

"What if my lived experience of being in a body that is white and the anti-racism education I am consuming from Black educators, and the activism I am doing in the world, what if it's still not enough to help my daughter navigate the social injustice of systemic racism?" 

For Alexandra Skinner, being a young, single mother to two Black sons 20 years ago, many assumed her sons' Black father was no longer in the picture, but he was very involved and supportive, as was his family. Skinner often felt her boys and herself were held to a different standard academically and socially than their white peers.

"It's hard to say where my defensiveness of our family, whether it was the Black element or the single mother element, begins. It's all sort of integrated," said Skinner. 

"I think as a young mom and a young mom of Black mixed race kids, I felt like I needed to try harder. I felt like I needed to prove that myself and my family were just as valid as anyone else's.

All children need to be kept safe and supported throughout their lives, but Black children especially need more from everyone. Check in with them and see how you can help, whether it's with child care or demanding more representation at schools.

Black parents can't be the only ones committed to their safety and to making them thrive. It's the responsibility of everyone. But it will only happen if we all examine our own biases and our own shortcomings and acknowledge the racism and violence still inflicted on Black people. 

For more stories about the experiences of Black Canadians — from anti-Black racism to success stories within the Black community — check out Being Black in Canada, a CBC project Black Canadians can be proud of. You can read more stories here.