The honest truth? Most children lie — and that's just part of growing up

This story is part of Amy Bell's Parental Guidance column, which airs on CBC Radio One's The Early Edition.

I can't recall catching my kids in any big lies recently, though I suppose if they do it right, that's the whole point.

But most kids do lie. When they're little, it's rather ridiculous — we know they didn't really see a unicorn at the park. But as they get older those lies can become more complex, and more disappointing.

Why is it so common?

Lies are natural, and necessary

Psychologist Victoria Talwar, director of the Talwar Child Development Lab at McGill University, has written extensively about how parents can understand and navigate the lies their children tell. 

Around preschool age, kids begin to understand that what they're thinking isn't what everyone else is thinking, Talwar says.   

"That's really important — understanding that other people have different perspectives from you, different thoughts and views than you," she says. "This is a really important part of human relations and having positive social relationships with other people.  

But recognizing that leads to the next stage: realizing you can influence what someone else thinks.

"Kids realize they can tell lies, fibs to get out of trouble and deceive," Talwar says.

It can be frustrating and somewhat hurtful to have to figure out the truth from our kids. And while you're in the thick of the lying phase it can seem out of control. But, according to Talwar, it does usually level off.

"For most children, they try it out and they see if they can do it and eventually they learn, "ah, it's not the best strategy,'" she says.

Even 'good' kids tell lies

But there is a good chance the lying will resurface in the teenage years, as children become more independent and start grappling with external pressures from their peers and the online world. 

"During the teenage years, there might be a little blip back up because teenagers are feeling like they want some autonomy and some control over their lives and sometimes they use [lying] as a strategy to manage their control of information," Talwar says.

That could explain Dave Robens's experience with his two teens, who recently admitted they'd been lying without knowing exactly why.

Robens raises his two teens in a remarkably open and supportive family. There is very little "punishment," just lots of open discussion about consequences of actions and understanding of motives. 

But even in such an open and accepting family, all is not above board all the time, he says. 

"We gathered as a family and talked about what we weren't proud of from the past year, and both of my children came forth and said, 'you know, I lied a lot, and in the coming year I plan not to.'" So I asked them, 'why do you feel the need to lie?' And they said, 'I'm not really sure.'"

Knowing that his children likely lie more than he thought doesn't make Robens distrust them. He says he knows there is a lot of influence from friends and media to be a secretive teen. 

And in the end, they will be the ones who grapple with their dishonesty and whether they are comfortable with how it makes them feel. 

Explaining 'acceptable' lies

As much as we accept a certain level of lying, we all know someone who absolutely must tell the truth. We might call them "blunt" or a "real straight shooter." 

Janet McDonald's child is on the autism spectrum and like many other neuro-divergent people, they don't deal in grey areas. It's absolute truth and nothing else, which can be challenging for them and those who love them. 

It can be hard to explain why you might tell what's considered a socially acceptable lie, or withhold the truth — like complimenting a less than stylish haircut, or not sharing an embarrassing secret with others. 

"How do you explain telling a lie when you have told your children not to lie?" McDonald wonders. 

"I can remember them saying to me, 'But they need to know. They need to know the truth,' and I thought, in a way, they're right. I've been more conditioned to candy-coat as an adult, and their perspective was that it's important for them to know the truth."

Of course, this has led to hurt feelings in the past, especially when Janet's child was younger, and that can hamper social development and self-esteem. So it's important to continue talking about ways to navigate these strange social norms.

Lying is one of the many social lubricants we use to make life a bit easier not just for ourselves, but also for the people we care about. The trick is recognizing that, so we can recognize it in our children and, ironically, have very honest talks with them about what the truth means.

Do I think my kids will always tell me the truth? I could say yes, but that would be a big fat lie. But I hope my kids feel safe enough to be honest about things that truly matter — even if I know they're lying about cleaning up their rooms.