How to weather the holiday season with your sanity intact

Stressed out about pulling off the perfect holiday for family and friends? Experts say you're not alone, and advise you to remove those festive rose-coloured glasses and for sanity's sake, quiet those self-imposed expectations.

"By having these incredibly high expectations, we can actually set ourselves up for failure because they are unrealistic," says Dr. Heather Fulton, a psychologist with the Provincial Health Services Authority.

Trying to find the perfect gift, spending more than you can afford, or family obligations that sometimes go sideways don't add up to the most wonderful time of the year to be sure. 

And festivities that take time away from the usual ways to beat stress — like going to the gym or a yoga class — can make this season feel more like one of the most difficult times of the year.

"Even though we know we should be getting more sleep, or we know we should be eating healthy we don't," said Fulton.

The North Shore Stress and Anxiety clinic sees a lot of worn down children this time of year. Clinic psychologist Dr. Martin Davidson said children are creatures of structure and may find it challenging to transition from school routine to holidays.

Davidson advises parents to lower their expectations.

Meltdowns are normal

"I think it's normal for kids to get a little overwhelmed around this time of year, and it's normal for them to have big feelings and melt down a little bit," said Davidson. "Parents should accept that that's probably going to happen."

Children take on the emotions of the people around them, especially parents, Fulton said. And trying to give them the perfect holiday or the perfect family moment, can backfire. When parents expect too much, they can set themselves up for failure.

"The more tense it is at home, the more kids feel it, and the younger they are, the more they act it out behaviorally," said Fulton.

The Canadian Psychological Association suggests trying these coping strategies when the holidays become stressful.

• Make sure that you are expecting something over which you have some control. People tend to feel stressed when they are in situations over which they have no control. If the success of your holidays depends too much on others' behaviour, you may be disappointed.
• Review your expectations.  What you can and want to do at age 30 might be very different from what you can and want to do at age 60. And if your siblings have never gotten along at a family dinner, it is not likely that will change.
• Pace yourself.  Do the best you can within your means and limits in terms of spending, baking, accommodating others.
• Focus on what really matters. People whose holiday experiences focus on relationships and activities with others report more happiness than those for whom gift giving is a big focus. Think about what is more important – the perfect purchase, a turkey cooked on time or enjoying an activity with friends and family

And if you are one of the lucky ones who doesn't get too stressed out during the holidays, Dr. Fulton suggests shining your festive light on family and friends who may need help.

"Check in with them privately ... and just ask, 'What would be most helpful for you right now?' Just talk to them."