You can take off your baseball cap, bald man on Tinder

We see you and we know what you're doing. And, look, it's O-KAY. You want to make a good first impression! I get it! Nobody would post something private like a picture of their bank statement*

(*I've actually seen this before)

or a picture of them wasted and passed out on a toilet**

(**Oh honey, I've seen this too).

It's just unfair if we're being honest.

From the looks of it, you've been bald FOR A WHILE. It didn't just happen overnight, as much as you might think that's the case.

And SURE, maybe you just like wearing ball caps! Go sports! But you probably wouldn't swipe right on me if I had sunglasses on in each one of my pictures.

What if I had one blue eye and one completely white-eye?? I'm talking a blizzard whiteout eye. Like, one eye for seeing and one eye for oracle seeing. It would probably be an adjustment for you.

You would probably ask for the bill much quicker than anticipated and spend the whole time wondering if I was reading your mind. Or wondering if the white eye was seeing what a real-life owl was seeing at that exact moment.

Well, the same goes for your baldhead, my friend. You owe it to yourself and to me to have at least one picture with no hat atop that shiny bean-dome.

Just do it.

FYI some people find bald heads SEXY! Like, "OH SHIT – you lost all of your hair from the sheer testosterone surging through your thick man-veins? DAMN, DADDY. HERE ARE MY DIGITS. Can you plaster the hole in my door?? Rewire a hot rod? PICK A PLANE UP WITH YOUR NECK?" I bet you can, you squeaky-ass-Mr. Clean-lookin' mother trucker.

Listen. I just need to see a picture of it. Just so I can get the gist of your head shape.

I don't want to be catfished by your Yankees hat. For all I know, you have a tattoo with the lyrics from Nickelback's "Photograph" in Comic Sans running across the back of that noggin. Or a portrait of the Queen Mum giving the people behind you the middle finger.

I need to know. This is not a secret you get to keep. The people deserve answers.

Take off your ball cap, bald man on Tinder. You will find love without the perfectly clasped safety of your hat. And when you do, your lover will stroke that glistening sphere like they worked their whole entire life to save up for it. Your gleaming globe will be their precious.

I hope one day it is for you, too.

Don't miss anything from CBC Comedy - like us on Facebook.