Persistent man only 628 desperate texts away from winning woman's love
OTTAWA, ON—Lisa Chase, 28, blushes and giggles profusely when she talks about Derek Wayne, her former mail carrier and aggressive admirer of four years.
"He texts and emails me most hours of the day and shows up at my apartment every other day with flowers and cute little love poems cut and pasted out of letters from the newspaper," Chase explains. "It's sooooo sweet!"
Chase has not yet said yes to any of Wayne's romantic overtures, but much like the loveable bumbling protagonists of John Hughes movies, she says he need only keep asking her on dates, writing weirdo fan fiction about her on his blog, and creepily materializing from behind a plant whenever she goes on dates in order to eventually win her heart.
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"[Wayne] showed up at my work last week just to tell me how beautiful I am and how he'd kill a man with his bare hands just for a chance to caress my perfect face," giggled Chase. "The girls in the break room were super jealous!"
When asked why she wasn't willing to give Wayne a chance, Chase stated that she was simply playing hard to get and that Wayne needed to prove his blind love and devotion – despite not really knowing anything about her at all – for just a little bit longer.
"He only has to ask me out in person 96 more times or send 628 more desperate texts pledging his undying love for me for me to know that he is for real interested," says Chase. "Once he's passed all of these arbitrary tests, I'll eventually say yes to a date." Chase calculates that this will occur sometime in mid-2018, assuming she is still single by then.
"The payoff will be so much more satisfying than if I had said yes to his overtures any of the first 9,627 times," she explains while filing a police report.
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