The case for pronouncing 'both' as 'bolth'

We've all felt it: the moment where someone we care about reveals a habit that is so depraved, so alienating, we're forced to ask ourselves if we ever really knew them at all.

Most of us are familiar with this word:

BOTH

Pronounced: bōTH

pronoun

used to refer to two nouns identified together.

However, a startling number of people are negatively affected by a friend or loved one who prefers the following definition:

BOLTH

Pronounced: bowl-TH

pronoun

used to refer to the word 'both' but with an unnecessary 'L' added right in the middle.

'Bolth'-ers walk among us. They are our partners, doctors, and crossing guards. But who are they really, and why do they brashly choose to make a commonly used (and simple!) word like both sound as though the speaker is lobbing a wet football out of his or her mouth?

CBC Comedy decided to investigate. We met up with Jared (pseudonym), a diehard bolth user, who agreed to speak on the condition of anonymity. What follows is the transcript of our interview.

CBC: So, how did it all start? When did you begin to use bolth instead of both?

Jared: Look. I did it as a joke at first. I did it to experiment. And then, the more I was chastised, the more I sought to defy.

CBC: But why the 'L?'

Jared: Why the 'L' not?

CBC: So, you're bit of a jokester then?

Jared: Yeah, I guess you could say I'm a jolkester.

CBC: Okay, but seriously though ...

Jared: What can I say? I like a hard 'L.'

CBC: There's got to be more to it than that.

Jared: If I'm being completely honest, pronouncing it bolth gives me a sense of self-worlth.

CBC: Some would argue that you're debasing a well-respected word; it's entitlement.

Jared: Don't you mean entitle-melnt?

CBC: Never. But does their opinion bother you?

Jared: Not in pa-ticular.

CBC: PARTICULAR!

Jared: Look, you can try to shame my linguistic freedom all you want, but I refuse to live in the darlkness.

CBC: Sorry for the outburst. Please help us to understand: what conceivable benefit is there to your choice???

Jared: You can have it pronounced correctly, or you can have it said with strength. You can't have it bolth ways.

CBC: Any other reasoning?

Jared: There is such a limited amount of words that almost rhyme with folk, especially if you're writing a sonnet with an A-B-B-A scheme and choose to end a line with it. Bolth becomes pretty integral.

CBC: On that note, how would you respond to the following statement from the Faculty of Linguistics at the University of British Columbia: "If people are allowed to pronounce it 'bolth,' what's to stop them from claiming they're eating 'samwiches?'"

Jared: Nolthing!

CBC decided to end the interview here. It was just too annoying to continue.

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