Local man clearly learned the word "gentrification" recently

EVERYWHERE—After incessantly repeating it at a recent birthday gathering, friends of local radio intern Kyle Johnston came away with the clear realization that he had clearly learned a brand new smart person word.

"He kept saying gentrification this, gentrification that. Everything's becoming so gentrified. Like... okay. Great," remarked one guest.

Johnston began using the word approximately eight months ago after "overhearing this guy in a scarf say it."

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"He probably had no idea what it meant," Johnston pontificates. "To be honest? I still don't either. But I don't need to. As long as people think I know what it means, I win."

Using the word repetitively is part of Johnston's new personal branding strategy to be "taken seriously as an intellectual." This brings with it a very long list of asshole proclivities. "From now on I only watch foreign language films that I pretend to enjoy. My new favourite is The Bitter Tears of Petra von Kant. Haven't heard of it? Didn't think so. I've also replaced my human, enthusiastic laugh with this kind of flat-faced, quarter-smile that betrays no emotion whatsoever. Oh! And I also wear prescription glasses now despite having perfect 20/20 vision. Intellectuals wear glasses."

Johnston has also kicked his very self-destructive habit of agreeing with literally anything another human being says, ever. He has replaced this with the far healthier and more sociable habit of constantly correcting people.

"Pronunciation, factual errors. Nothing's off limits. My antennae's pretty much always on these days," he shares.

The aforementioned habits have put tangible strain on family gatherings. "I used to think he was such a great dude," commented one cousin who wishes to remain anonymous. "Now he just makes me wish I was still young enough to legally hit people."  

Violence, however, is something Johnston himself simply isn't into. "I dunno, it's just becoming so gentrified."

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