Steps to taking the manliest bath imaginable

So. You're a human man, and due to a potent combination of socially ingrained gender stereotypes and a dash of subconscious anxiety about hindering your fertility, you do not EVER come within five kilometres of the bathtub in your home, tantalizing as it looks.

But every so often, it's the middle of February, every cell in your body is frozen solid, you've had a stressful day at work, and no one else is home. You gotta go for it, pal. Here's how to take a relaxing bath while still broadcasting your startlingly masculine essence to the world, lest anyone question it for 0.1 seconds.

1. Only take the bath during Truck Month

Chevy's annual Truck Month is filled with offers on flatbeds and financing deals you can't afford to pass up. But in this case, this knowledge gives you some convincing armour if someone walks in on you taking a bath. "Truck Month isn't going to celebrate itself!!!" you can simply shout at them. They'll quickly close the door and leave you to it, forced to accept that men acknowledge Truck Month in different ways, and that's fine.

2. Clutch a screwdriver in each hand at all times

A Phillips slot, a double hex, a Robertson — doesn't matter. From the minute you disrobe, make sure one of these babies is nice and tight in each fist. It'll take a bit of practice to turn on the faucet and soap up your bod while both of your hands are 100% rammed with screwdriver, but you are a MAN. You've encountered way harder challenges, for example the interminable wait each year for it to be Truck Month again.

3. Put red dye in the water so that when you emerge, it looks like you won a bar fight

Not too much dye. Easy tiger. You want a modest amount, as if to say, "I casually gave that punk what he deserved and then continued on with my day and went to squash with Jason."

4. Put on a relaxing CD of electric lawnmower sounds

Crank it. Make sure the man mowing the lawn on the CD is shirtless. And yes, of course you can hear the difference when he's shirtless. Is this your first bath or something??! What's that? It is? Okay, well yes, it's a very audible difference.

5. When you're done, grab your towel using barbecue tongs

Listen, bro. The bath is a giant marinade and now that you've sealed the juices into yourself, it's time to towel off. We recommend the GrillPro Stainless Steel 15-inchers. They cost $4,000.

Don't forget to snap a picture of your legs and upload it to Instagram using the hashtag #MANBATH, and yes in ALL CAPS SO AS TO ASSERT YOUR DOMINANCE OVER RELAXATION AND HYGIENE.

Have a great life!

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