Washing instructions for your new Anthropologie top

Congratulations on becoming the proud owner of a brand-new top from Anthropologie! Our eternal promise to you is that all of our clothing is made from a unique blend of newborn duckling giggles, a wistful summer breeze, and the sound of Feist whispering lullabies into a mason jar. The whole thing is then stitched together with lace, gauze, and tenderness, so as to ensure maximum durability. With proper care, your Anthropologie garment should last you up to four entire days.

So. You wore your new Anthropologie top to a nautical-themed picnic in the park that contained only handfuls of wild blueberries, adorably mismatched frosted vanilla candles, and beautiful women throwing their heads back and laughing in pure sunlight. And now you want to wash it. Fair enough.

INSTRUCTIONS:

1. DO NOT MACHINE WASH.

2. DO NOT HAND WASH.

3. DO NOT LOOK DIRECTLY AT THE GARMENT.

4. Fill your bathtub with gentle sighs and caramel-brown gladiator sandals. If you're having trouble generating enough sighs on your own, invite six different French acquaintances over to the reclaimed barn you definitely live in. They should all be named Angelique if female, Balzac if male. Get them to sigh into your bathtub to fill it faster.

5. At the stroke of midnight, place your Anthropologie top into the bathtub. Good gosh! It's just so brutally soiled with gentle heart-shaped grass stains and ink blots from the feather pen you use to write in your tiny owl-patterned journal! It goes without saying that the bathtub should have antique silver claw feet.

6. Gently pluck 3-5 fresh mint leaves from the tiny but sunny backyard garden you definitely have. Toss them into the bathtub with the shirt. Think about tandem bicycles!

7. For one hour, use a branch to muddle the shirt, mint leaves, sighs, and gladiator sandals. The ingredients in the bath are not cleaning the top per se – it's more like you're cordially inviting them to slow-dance with the top. To that end, throw in a box of our adorable RSVP notecards featuring embossed gold lettering, unicorns, stylized arrows, and pine tree silhouettes.

8. Leave your Anthropologie top to soak in the bathtub for one month, during which time you should wander aimlessly through a field of wildflowers with messy hair and bare feet and reflect on your life choices while thoughtfully chewing on a long blade of grass.

9. Grab the nearest rustic ladder made from salvaged wood with pink ribbons tied whimsically around each rung. Place the ladder next to the bath for some reason. You don't need a ladder to access your bathtub. We just think it looks nice.

10. Toss a fistful of sequins into the air with your right hand and a fistful of rose petals with your left to welcome your Anthropologie top into its new life cycle.

11. Before you reach your hands into the bathtub, paint each nail a slightly different shade of turquoise. Then, place 256 stackable silver rings on every other finger. As your hands make contact with your Anthropologie top, be sure to greet the garment with a soft, feminine pigeon coo.

12. Hang to dry inside an oaken barrel for one year.

Enjoy your shirt!

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