Someone get me out of this hell

"And they will throw them into the furnace of fire, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth"

- Matthew 13:42

Today began like any other day. I woke up, showered, and left for work. Feeling a bit groggy on my drive, I decided I'd better stop somewhere and grab a coffee to perk myself up a bit.

So I pulled into a Tim Hortons that happened to be on the way. I'm not necessarily a huge fan of their coffee, but hey, it was convenient. And their stuff is decent enough, right?

I parked the car, and walked slowly toward the Tim Hortons.  As I neared the building, I felt what could only be described as an ominous sense of impending doom. I probably just don't want to go to work, I thought.

I took a deep breath, entered the building, and got in line.  Once there, I couldn't help but overhear a middle aged man in a plaid shirt ordering from the server.

"So, are the rumours true?" the customer asked.

"What rumour is that, sir?" the server replied.

"The maple biscuit breakfast sandwich is just $1.49 at Tims?"

"That's not exactly right," responded the server.

"I knew it! Too good to be true," said the man.

"For a limited time, you can actually get a maple biscuit breakfast sandwich, a hash brown and a small coffee all for just $1.49," the server shrugged sheepishly.

The customer, now flustered, stood mouth-agape at this news while the server chuckled, put her hands on her hips, and playfully shook her head.

It was one of the weirdest interactions I had ever seen. Were these people unwell? Why did they speak this way? And why did the server find this interaction to be amusing?

I walked up to the counter and placed my order. But the server completely ignored me. She was still chuckling, hands on hips, shaking her head! She had being doing this for at least a minute and a half at this point. It was…disturbing. Dark, even. It was like she had no soul behind her eyes.  Just a black void of emptiness.

I decided I didn't need a coffee that badly, so I turned around with the intention to get the hell out of there. And that's when I bumped into a pair of bland, inoffensive-looking identical male twins in their 40s. But they marched right past me up to the counter as though I didn't exist!

"I'll have the Tim Hortons chili in one of your delicious breadbowls, please," said one.

"Hey, I want the Tim Hortons chili in one of your delicious breadbowls!" proclaimed the other.

The server, suddenly breaking from her trance, turned to them and said, "at just $4.29, why not both have one?" Then the three of them started chuckling and patting each other on the back.

By this point, I was terrified. I ran to the door. Locked! Frantic, I grabbed a chair and threw it at the window, but the window would not break.

I looked to my right and saw a young couple sitting at a table, each holding one side of what looked to be a heart-shaped jelly donut.

"Will you be my Tim Hortons Valentine?" asked the man.

"Only if you promise to love me … and get me a double-double every morning!" replied the woman before they lovingly bit into either side of the donut, Lady and the Tramp-style.

"Jesus Christ," I muttered. "I'm stuck in a fucking Tim Hortons commercial.

As I write this on my phone, I have been stuck here for what I assume has been hours, but it may have been days.  My battery is about to run out. Things feel dire.

If anyone gets this … please…

Release me. Release me from this hell.

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