Man sues Tim Hortons as 'everything bagel' clearly only contains some things

TRURO, N.S.—If you keep saying it, somebody's going to hold you to it, and that's what finally happened this morning.

Troy Kuelblitzer, a 37-year-old logger in Truro, Nova Scotia, finally got fed up with Tim Hortons advertising a bagel as containing "everything," when it clearly contained, at best, quite a lot of things, and filed suit in a Halifax court for false advertising.

"Mr. Kuelblitzer is not trying to get attention, nor is he in this for the money," said Kuelblitzer's attorney, Shawn Allison, of Allison, Allison, Allison, Roberts, & Allison, at a press conference this morning.

• RELATED: It's that time again! Tim Hortons suggests caffeine addicts should also start gambling
• RELATED: Toronto woman deeply concerned Tim Hortons staff starting to recognize her
• REALTED: Tim Hortons buys Popeyes, debuts 'Roll Up the Skin to Win' campaign

"What he is in this for—what we should all be in everything for—is the truth. And the clear, unvarnished truth is that this 'everything' bagel clearly contains no lobster. It contains no mustard. It contains no waffles. It contains no soup. It contains no jelly, of the grape, raspberry, strawberry, blackberry, or even marmalade. Yes, you can ask for some of those, but the strong implication seems to be that these are already inherent to the bagel. I have looked at the bagel, and I can assure you that they are not."

Allison then invited Kuelbitzer to step forward and name some more of the things that the bagel could have contained.

"Well… a second bagel, right?" said the plaintiff, becoming suddenly emotional. "I don't think that's too much to ask, in fact that would be something—what, you say 'everything,' and just because there's already a bagel we're not supposed to expect another bagel? We've got bagels on the brain already. Umm what else? Lasagna. Bologna. Any of those words that end in gna… tuna! I'm not sure if that does. But I do know you have to pay extra for tuna. Or tugna," he added, somehow pronouncing the word with a silent 'g' in a way that was clear to all assembled.

"Umm, Kraft Dinner, walnuts, nutmeg… Snickers bars…" said Kuelblitzer, finally trailing off.

Returning to the microphone, Allison stressed, "we are not being unreasonable. In fact, we could be going much further; we could choose to stretch the definition of 'everything' much further, to include non-edible things. You won't find a paperclip in there, I'll tell you that. You won't find a refrigerator—hey, sounds difficult, I know, I'm not sure how you would pull it off, but I'm not the one who started throwing around the word 'everything.' But I understand most people wouldn't want these things in their food, so we won't hold a restaurant to them."

"We are merely seeking truth, and satisfaction."

"Like the satisfaction that comes from a Snickers bar on your everything bagel," added Kuelblitzer, before Allison ended the press conference and thanked the assembled crowd.

Don't miss anything from CBC Comedy - like us on Facebook.