'Sexy Nurse' spends Halloween working in the ER at Mt. Sinai Hospital

5:04 am

Happy Halloween! Heading to my ER shift. I thought it would be hilarious to go to work today as a sexy nurse. HA! Just got the coffee going, then I'm gonna jump in the shower, and then put on this outfit I bought at Shoppers yesterday – god, what even is this?? – a ridiculous, squeaky, skin-tight, white vinyl miniskirt and matching top. Oh, and a inexplicably tiny white hat with a red cross, which no nurse has worn since the invention of Penicillin, if ever? Anyway, it's fine. It'll be a fun, zany challenge to stay on my feet for 12 consecutive hours in eight-inch-high stilettos while rushing around and saving lives! I love Halloween!

6:23 am

Okay, as alluring as these long, French-manicured press-on nails and lacy gloves ARE, I've got about 60 patient charts to review ASAP and it's taking me about ten full minutes to be able to physically flip a page. Other than that, LOVE Halloween!

9:12 am

Ugh, it's reeeeeeeally tricky to treat this woman's gunshot wound to the leg when the waves from my long, beachy blonde wig keep tumbling in front of my face, obscuring everything in sight. Also, this tiny little plastic toy stethoscope doesn't let me hear anything because it isn't….real? I keep having to ask to use the doctor's. She doesn't love that.

11:31 am

The guy in Room 4 just came in with some chest pain and shortness of breath so I start an IV, draw the lab work, and tell him I need to prepare him for a chest x-ray, to which he responds "I'd way rather you prepare me for a glimpse of your chest." Great. Today's just great. UGH. EW. This is absolutely the last time I wear a tiny vinyl vest to work that fits four sizes too small. I bought this costume in "Large" and yet still somehow it would be tight on a 19-year-old Olympic gymnast.

1:12 pm

Doing an EKG on a gentleman who came in for cardiac arrest. Am reviewing his medical history to determine possible causes. He winks and goes, "Your calf muscles might have had something to do with it." Halloween, I love you, but you're kind of a massive jerk.

2:09 pm

Great news — buddy is now stable. Way more stable than I am in these teetery-ass heels. I've put myself on a morphine drip for the pain. It's fine.

2:30 pm

Meeting my husband for lunch in the cafeteria. He's a doctor upstairs, and he went as a doctor for Halloween today. Not a sexy one, of course, as he's a human man and that would be crazy — just a straight-up doctor. No, like he literally purchased a male doctor costume at Shoppers and the package said "Straight-Up Doctor."  When I asked him why on earth he'd ever spend money on that when he's, again, an actual, real, professional doctor, he told me his "costume" scrubs are "two whole shades of green darker!!!!" than his regular ones. Then he said, "It's such a thrilling rush!!" Good Lord.

4:55 pm

A teenager came in after getting doored on his bike. He's okay – I stopped his bleeding pretty quickly, got sterile gauze onto his wounds, treated him for shock, and he's recovering nicely. Cool Halloween discovery this afternoon! Fishnet stockings aren't exactly known for their ability to protect you from blood splatter. God, I miss my scrubs. Tonight I plan to get into bed and hold them tenderly to my heart until I fall asleep. You know what else? Go directly to hell, Halloween.

5:56 pm

Almost done for the day. Just doing a quick round on the floor and then I gotta discharge the old guy in Room 1 who stumbled in completely hammered last night. He's now in pretty good shape except for a headache, but we all know the real headache is society's relentless expectation that women be sexually exciting to look at no matter how accomplished they are in their professional fields! What a spooky treat!!

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