Race organizer won't shut up about 'running' a marathon

OTTAWA, ON—The nightmare began when Frank Morales loudly boasted to his friends and family at a backyard barbeque that he's about to become the youngest person ever to run the annual waterfront marathon next month.

"I was confused by this, because Frank's 48," shares his sister Eva.

"Also, he doesn't own running shoes. I've never seen him move faster than a vaguely purposeful amble."

"Plus, didn't a 12-year-old run that thing last year?" adds Frank's father, Benjamin.

All became clear when Frank asked his dinner guests if they wanted to see his shiny new marathon-running gear. After a backyard of people begrudgingly agreed, he proceeded to pull out several items from a duffel bag: a clipboard and pen, a lanyard, a map of the race route, a stapled list of registered participants, and an itemized budget of juice box and Clif Bar orders.

"That's when I suddenly understood," Eva sighs. "He's running the thing. As in organizing it. Logistically. Good lord."

As most of Ottawa's race organizers have historically been well into their 50s and 60s, Frank is indeed the youngest person to "run" the waterfront marathon. Since accepting the role last month, he has not hesitated whatsoever to mention this fact at every available opportunity, as well as unavailable ones.

He's running the thing. As in organizing it. Logistically. Good lord.- Eva

"He's averaging a casual mention about every 7-9 minutes," reports family friend Robin Asper from behind a hedge while clutching a stopwatch.

"He'll throw it into a conversation about avocados, porch renovations, cat diabetes, or the systemic oppression of minorities throughout Canadian history. He doesn't need a reason."

For his part, Frank says he's been training to "run" this marathon for several months now.

"You know, I'll get up early and practice holding my clipboard in several different ways. Or I'll practice saying 'Keep at it guys, you're almost there!' It's tough, all those early mornings, but look: no one ever successfully ran a marathon without some serious self-discipline."

He continues, "I'm also on a very strict diet of tiny yogurts and oranges, just because I've gotta make sure I'm satisfied with the products I'm ordering in bulk. You know, for the runners. Gotta test that shit out."

At press time, Frank was writing you an email about the film Black Hawk Down, into which he somehow managed to insert the fact that he will be running a marathon in September, and that it's really no big deal.

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