Fighting your kid's soccer referee being considered as new Olympic event
KELOWNA, B.C.—In light of soccer's growing popularity, getting right pissed off and then marching over there to beat the shit out of your kid's referee is garnering serious consideration from the International Olympic Committee as a potential new event at the 2018 Summer Games in Tokyo.
Committee officials are flocking to children's meaningless soccer games –where absolutely nothing is at stake besides your innocent, chubby-kneed kids getting some fresh air and learning about teamwork – to watch you maniacs go ballistic over calls made by referees who are being paid $11 per game.
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"It happens so frequently that we've basically been forced to take a closer look," IOC vice-president Yu Zaiqing explained from the bleachers at a Division F soccer match for 5-year-olds in Kelowna.
If you think about it, it isn't that different from soccer, only the mad dads are the players and the referee is the ball.- Yu Zaiqing
The sport, tentatively dubbed Aggro Parent Ref-Pummelling, will be a judged event that uses a scoring system similar to that of figure skating.
"It isn't just an excuse for parents to scream directly into a referee's mouth before committing an unforgiveable act of violence in front of the mortified progeny of everyone on the sidelines. The judges will look for competitors to execute a set number of technical elements," Zaiqing stated, "no less than three increasingly agitated utterances of 'you call that a friggin' yellow card, ref?'; one sequence of kicking over a bench that has some water bottles and extra pinnies on it while yelling 'frig off'; and the long program, which will require scream-asking what friggin' Cracker Jack box the referee got his or her friggin' ref licence in and then looking around for approval as if that was a sweet diss."
Zaiqing added that an integer of -3 to +3 points will be factored in for how much the parent "makes it all about them."
Just as a nearby dad exclaimed, "this paid-off ref ain't keeping my kid out of the World Cup" and stormed the field, Zaiqing elaborated upon the combat sequence scoring: "One point will be attributed to competitors who awkwardly unbuckle their fanny pack before head-butting the ref, with bonus marks for footwork and execution while transitioning into a knee to the ref's gut," he noted.
"If you think about it, it isn't that different from soccer, only the mad dads are the players and the referee is the ball," he added as a dad in the 'If you don't like my attitude dial 1-800-EAT-SHIT' t-shirt kicked the referee's whistle down his pharynx. "This guy here would have scored a 9.8."
Especially popular among divorced, off-duty police officers, the sport is expected to keep gaining momentum, according to Zaiqing.
"You don't need any expensive equipment to play, except for a kid and knock-off Oakleys. And unlike in soccer, in this sport, something actually happens."
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