My real name is Jar Jar Abrams - An op-ed by J.J. Abrams

Hello, everyone.

My name is J.J. Abrams. You might know me from such films as the Star Wars franchise, the Star Trek franchise, and some other things that were not reboots of massive franchises in space; I can't remember them right now.

But they're not important, because what I want to talk about right now does concern the Star Wars franchise, and an embarrassing secret I have hidden since 1999.

My name is not J.J. Abrams.

My name is Jar Jar Abrams.

That's right. I share a name with the most embarrassing thing to ever happen to the Star Wars franchise (well, maybe tied with the Christmas special), and I'm not going to hide it anymore.

You heard me correctly. That excitable, fast-quipping caricature of a character that first sullied our screens in The Phantom Menace, the first of the ill-fated prequels? His name is my name. And in 1999, I started hiding it.

Why? I think we all know why.

Even today, after my success with the films, some critics will still say that because of this thing I was born with, and over which I had no control, I should not have been allowed within miles of the Star Wars franchise.

I, however, would forcefully argue the contrary.

The horror I experienced upon seeing my birth name associated with those awful films has made me more determined than anyone else in the universe to ensure that nobody else endures that nightmare. I can only guarantee that by doing one thing: giving people good movies.

What about all the little Reys, Poes, and Kylos out there who needed a positive representation of someone with their (very traditional) name on screen?

Or what about little BB-8, growing up in North Dakota as a Star Wars fan with a totally normal name, and then years later saying, hey, there are new Star Wars films! I'd better go watch them!

Imagine the disappointment of BB-8 Jones from North Dakota, whether a 10, 20, 30, or 40-year old child, seeing that the character that shares his (perfectly regular) name had become almost as big a laughingstock as, well, George Lucas.

I couldn't let that happen. I couldn't let someone else become the next Jar Jar.

So that's why I took these movies head-on, and why I'm now facing this issue head-on. I will henceforth be known professionally as Jar Jar Abrams.

My production company, Bad Robot? It will now be called Good Gungan.

And after I complete production on the third film in the latest franchise, I will set my sights on a new trilogy featuring Jar Jar Binks as the only character. Maybe just called Jar Jar I, Jar Jar II, and The Final Jar Jar.

If the Walt Disney Corporation does not want to be involved, no problem. I will pay for the films myself.

Also I will play Jar Jar. Because I am Jar Jar.

And I'm finally okay with that.

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