TRUTH TIME: I could not understand Chewbacca at all

An op-ed by Han Solo

My name is Han Solo, interstellar adventurer, smuggler, and former general in the Rebel Alliance. As I write this, the Resistance is preparing for a coordinated strike on the First Order's Starkiller Base. I will be leading a small team against insurmountable odds, and will almost certainly find myself faced with my son Kylo Ren, who is just garbage.

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I want this confession on record in case I don't survive. Because as I look back on my life, I have only one regret, other than my trash son. One lie that I lived for decades, even though I knew it was wrong: At no point in my life have I understood a single thing that Chewbacca has said to me, and every instance in which I claimed to be able to understand him was false. It's honestly all just bear sounds to me.

As you probably know, Chewbacca is a kind of "space bigfoot" who hangs out with me (for reasons I have never been clear on), and who makes loud monster yells instead of talking. For countless years — mainly to look important and impress a girl — I pretended that his weird growls and yelps were words that I could understand. This was not the case; I was assigning him thoughts and opinions basically at random.

The majority of the time I would do this to make everybody think that Chewbacca had just agreed with me, but on occasion I would also make it seem like he had just set me up for a joke I wanted to tell. In any case, if he was actually saying something beyond "aaargh aaargh", I do not know, and have never known.

He kept flying the ship, and he would shoot at the same guys as us, so I figured we were at least on a somewhat similar page. But I lived in constant, secret fear that all along he had been telling me, like, "I'm bad and I love Darth Vader and I'm going to eat Luke," or something like that, and then he'd eat Luke and everyone would be like, "what the hell, you said this guy was okay," and then no more job for me. Honestly nobody's seen Luke in a long time and I'm only 60% sure that isn't what happened.

If anyone ever actually ends up being able to talk to Chewbacca (C-3PO says he can understand everybody and I heavily believe he is also lying) tell him I'm sorry for lying about understanding him. He was cool about it for way longer than I would have been.

And please, above all else — no matter how you do it or what it takes — blow up my son. He is an absolute toilet.

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