I will laugh and I will run but I will not do both at the same time, by Tom Cruise

An op-ed by Tom Cruise

Hey! Hi!

Great to meet you. Great to meet you, man.

I want to tell you this: I am so excited to work with you on this upcoming film.

We're going to do great things. You're going to do great things.

I want to assure you that I will give it my all. You know that. You know my reputation.

I will run as fast as I possibly can. All-out. Full-out. I will run to flee an alien. I will run to flee an airplane. I will run to flee an explosion (even though it's fully on a green screen! I'm not in any actual danger!) until it feels, and looks, like my lungs will burst at any moment.

Oh yeah. I'm gonna run.

And I will laugh. Oh, will I ever laugh.

I'll laugh maniacally. Not only at the slightest of jokes told by another character, but even when I'm in a situation of utter peril. My response to that peril will be to laugh.

And I don't just mean a chuckle, friend.

No mere snicker shall pass these lips.

I'm really gonna—ha! I'm l—hahaha! I'm laughing right now!

But.

I will not do both of these things at the same time. So if that's what you're looking for here, sir, perhaps it's best if we part ways before we move any further.

Okay. Good.

I hope you enjoyed my recent film Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation, by the by. Did a lot of running there. Sure, there were a couple lighthearted scenes, but there was a lot of action.

And when it came time to go after the bad guys, I went after them.

And I didn't walk, my friend.

When it came time to run away from the bad guys, what do you think I did? That's right. I. Ran.

But when it came time to laugh?

You saw what happened.

You might ask me why I don't ever—ever—run at full speed and laugh maniacally at the same time.

Well, first of all: picture it. Is that a good look?

No, it's not a good look. It makes me look a little nuts, and I don't have a lot of wiggle room these days in that particular area.

Second, I like to give at least 100% at all times.

If I try to laugh and run at the same time, one of two things is going to happen:

1. I'm going to run a little bit slower than I could have been running;

2. I'm going to laugh a little less maniacally than I could have been laughing

Do you really have an interest in seeing either of these things?

Neither do the moviegoers of America.

I hope you understand.

I still look forward to working with you.

I look forward to running.

I look forward to laughing.

And never the two shall meet.

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